“Are you questioning me in my house?”
Edan*, my male hair stylist, stood there, looking askance at me and sounding incredulous that I would question what he was doing.
“I am. It’s my hair.”
I wasn’t certain at that moment if his question was a control issue, a gender thing or may be a bit of both.
“I know what makes your hair look the best,” cajoled Edan. “Come on, just relax and let me surprise you.”
“No can do, Edan. I need to know what you’re doing to my hair before you do it. That little paint brush in your hand with the pink stuff on it is making me nervous!”
For a long time Edan had (strongly!) encouraged me to add red highlights. I kept resisting, remembering the last time I took my hair stylist’s advice about red highlights. The red looked pink under the office fluorescent lights, and pink striped hair in a conservative company isn’t exactly a career enhancer. Been there, done that and not interested in a return trip.
“Just trust me,” came the coaxing yet demanding entreaty.
“Let’s talk about your plan, cuz if we don’t, I’m leaving.”
Never be bullied into silence. ~Harvey Fierstein
Edan and I went on to have a productive conversation in which we came to understand one another’s position better and to spell out ground rules for the future.
He had expected me to blindly take his expert advice and was mighty miffed that I had rejected it.
I was slightly miffed and kinda amused that he expected me to be so blindly obedient. Command-and-control and men bossing women is so 1950’s. And so not my thing!
3 tips for sticking up for yourself if you’re being bullied
My husband’s you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me chuckles over establishing ground rules with a hair stylist illuminated several life lessons from this experience that go beyond pink hair:
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- Speak up. There’s no harm in politely asking. There can be lots of harm in fearing to ask and then suffering the consequences.
- Stand firm. If you don’t want to do something, don’t let yourself be persuaded by charm or conformity or fear to forge ahead.
- Give the benefit of the doubt. Edan’s insistence wasn’t rooted in command-and-control just a sincere desire for me to be more trendy.
Ever have a similar experience?
*not his real name
Image credit: morgueFile
I have had a similar experience! At the hair dresser! I always bring pictures and rarely come out looking remotely like the pictures (more like the pic in the hair dressers mind). One guy who has cut my hair many times one time made me look, well, bad. I told him what I thought of the cut and what I didn’t like about it. He cuts my whole family’s hair and my Mom later told me I scared the you know what out of him. Why? Because I spoke up? Because I didn’t say looks great and go home and cry? I’ve since been back to him many times and let’s just say my cuts now look a heck of a lot more like the photos.
Great lessons to bring out from the experience, Jane!
Great story and lesson about the power of communicating what you want, Alli!