“It’s so fabulous to reconnect with you after all this time! We have so much to catch up on. I want to know everything you’ve been doing. Let’s get together soon, OK?,” gushed a former colleague I hadn’t seen in years.
“That would be fun. Let’s schedule a coffee, OK?”
“I’d love that. It’s just that I’m really busy and have no idea where I’d find the time.”
Yikes! What just happened here??!
To me, words like “fabulous” and “love” are big hugs of welcome. So are the smiles and eye contact.
Then…
“Have no idea where I’d find the time” is the welcome door slamming shut.
To me, saying “I don’t have the time” means “I won’t make the time because it’s not important to me.
And that’s OK.
However, what’s missing, for me, is authenticity.
Hearing “It’s good to see you again. It’s been a long time” is a simple yet authentic social pleasantry without commitment or insincerity, and works just fine for me if there’s no interest in renewing the connection. If there’s no intention to take/make the time to meet and reconnect, simply don’t make the offer.
What say you?
Have you had similar encounters? What did you do? How did you handle it?
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Quotes about authenticity that speak to me
The closer you stay to emotional, people, and character authenticity, the less you can go wrong. That’s how I feel now, no matter what you’re doing. ~David O. Russell
Everything will line up perfectly when knowing and living the truth becomes more important than looking good. ~Alan Cohen
Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. ~Mother Theresa
Often misconstrued, authenticity is not about being an open book, revealing every detail of yourself without rhyme or reason. It is simply the act of openly and courageously seeing what needs to be seen, saying what needs to be said, doing what needs to be done, and becoming that which you are intent on being. ~Scott Edmund Miller
I have abandoned the masquerade of living up to the expectations of others and explored the new horizons of what it means to be truly and completely me, in all my amazing imperfection and most splendid insecurity. ~Anthon St.Maarten
Image source before quote: morgueFile.com
Jane, I have a friend who says we all have fear of commitment and lack of courage to speak the truth.
If I reconnect with someone, and want to see them, I offer times and dates. If my schedule is full, it may take a week or so for us to sync calendars…but I don’t offer if I can’t.
Because this seems to happen frequently in these days, it’s only meaningful to me when people actually follow up. That’s why I’ve gone to using a public calendar where anyone can propose a meeting time. So there will be no excuses.
Cheryl – you are so right that words are cheap and that action is how true commitment is shown! Your calendar way of scheduling is a great idea!
Cheryl I like what your friend said about fear of commitment and lack of courage to speak the truth. Especially the latter. Why say you’d love to catch up when it’s not really true? A simple “it was great to see you” is all that’s required.
I have discovered through some disappointment and some wondering about what the heck is wrong with me…that when people say “let’s get together” they sometimes don’t mean it at all. There have been times when I’ve offered concrete times and never heard back from someone at all. Ever.
And you know what? It’s fine if you don’t want to spend time with me. Because lots of people do. But don’t pretend you do.
Ruth – thanks for stopping by and sharing. Your perspective on those “pseudo-friends” sounds like a most healthy one in that you don’t take it personally. And, if one lacks the courage to speak the truth, shouldn’t one have the integrity to not speak an untruth, especially if they have no intention of meeting up with you!
I’ll take a little different direction. I have found that many of those we call friends are situational. Our friendship is built on the common experiences and needs we have due to a specific situation. We may work together, we may serve on a committee together, we may both be making the same craft…and that may be the entire basis of our common interest. Occasionally a situational friend will become a forever friend, but if that is true it is very unlikely that we will ever need to re-connect because we will never disconnect.
Situation friendships that don’t blossom into forever friends are very hard to maintain after the situation ends. You’ve always talked about work or the committee or the craft…what will you share when that is done? I’ve tried to maintain situational friendships from a past job after taking a new one and after a while they just fade away. That person wants someone to talk to about their job and you can only talk about your memories of it.
So I guess the question is, should there be an expectation of “getting together to catch up” with these situational friends? I’d say no, because the situation ended and there is nothing to catch up on. You can reminisce for a few minutes but then you’ll be wishing for a phone call to send you back to the office.
Paul – as usual, you provide solid new insights! I agree that the bonds of a situational friendship are more tenuous than those of forever friends. What I can’t get my head wrapped around is a greeting from a former situational friend who greets you like a long lost forever friend!