On a recent flight, my middle seat companion railed against crowded airplanes (totally understandable), his company, his boss, his wife, his kids, his colleagues, American Idol, the oil company conspiracy, how baseball has lost its soul, the government, how social media is ruining our ability to talk to one another, and how restaurant cooking will be the death of us all.
Had our flight been longer, I suspect his rant list would have been longer, too.
The lack of audience participation didn’t diminish his ardor. Both the aisle seat and the window seat [me!] realized somewhere over Atlanta that dialogue wasn’t necessary, needed or even wanted. He was enjoying his downward spiral ride.
Some people do lose sight of anything positive, and fail to recognize it. If they aren’t interested in help or feedback to turn the spiral around, just be there for them when they hit bottom.
In the meantime, make sure you aren’t hopping on the downward ride with them.
Avoid the downward blame spiral
»»» Keep your focus on making things better, not assigning blame. Investigate to determine where things went wrong, then use the lessons as a teachable moment. Blaming can stop people in their tracks; teaching helps them grow.
»»» Bashing—in the right place at the right time with the right people—can help you let off some steam, heading off a complete melt-down. Pick wisely.
»»» Letting off steam can be a healthy release—as long as it’s part of a process that includes both acknowledging a problem and proposing a solution for it. (In a past life as part of a cultural renewal initiative following a merger, we created a team norm of “don’t throw any dead cats.” Finger-pointing was the new team sport: which company had made the most mistakes, who had the best practices and policies, whose leaders were superior, etc. No one won and everyone lost at that game. The new team norm helped immensely in getting off the downward bashing spiral.)
»»» Stick to the issues, don’t make it a personal attack. That rarely solves the problem.
The majority see the obstacles; the few see the objectives; history records the successes of the latter, while oblivion is the reward of the former. ~Alfred Armand Montapert
What say you?
Image source: Gratisography
Hi Jane,
That poor person was going to suck everyone around into his dilemmas. I feel bad for him, and this wasn’t good for you and others either.
I’m not sure I’m convinced that letting off steam is healthy. In fact, David Rock’s latest book (The Brain at Work) indicates that we should label the negative emotion and then reframe it – this could be done to look at the situation in a positive way. It seems that, from current brain imaging, this works. Intuitively, many of us do it automatically, but it does take some work to notice our own thoughts and emotions.
I don’t imagine your seatmate would have been pleased if you’d tried to help by asking what the emotion was that he was feeling during his rant, and how could he reframe the situation(s) to see the good in them :). But maybe if he knew about this technique, he wouldn’t have made everyone around him suffer. I wish you better luck with seatmates next time!
Mary Jo –
Thanks for sharing information about The Brain at Work – I’ll have to read it!
Jane
I’m with Mary Jo. I use to think some venting/talking about an issue was good but it’s so hard to find a balance that I think reframing almost from the beginning can be a smart idea.
With something deeper – grief over the loss of a child or what’s going on in Japan – I feel differently. Going immediately to reframing doesn’t seem possible but I don’t know.
Cherry and Mary Jo-
I don’t think letting off steam has to always be perceived negatively. As with many things in life, we get to choose if our outlet is negative or positive. Personally, I’m a big advocate of talking things out. Sometimes it’s the verbalizing that helps to faciliate the reframing. So my “bashing” wasn’t quite the right word!
Thanks for sharing you two!
Jane
I think talking things out is a great tool provided it is done in the right environment. I will admit that when I hear the same complaint over and over again, I get annoyed. Say it and move on unless you have a solution.
Bosses can play a pivotal role in employee development by setting the team norm that complaints come coupled with solutions and then holding people accountable for doing so. Thanks much for adding to the discussion!