P
eople who met Martin for the first time walked away feeling like they’d made a new friend. They gushed about how kind, warm, open and caring he was.
It wasn’t until they got to know him better or began working for or with him that the truth came out.
Martin was a suave backstabber.
He had perfected the art of smiling in your face and later plunging his knife in your back.
I’ve known some Martins in my time and bet you have to. Right?
We keep hoping that we can change or fix other people. But deep down inside we know that’s not possible unless they want to change.
They have to be committed to changing. If they aren’t, well, nothing happens.
Even though we may want to, we can’t control what they do.
But there’s one area where we DO have control. Lots of it.
What we do control is ourselves—how we choose to act and react to people like Martin.
8 ways to handle yourself so you can handle backstabbers
1. Resist the little voice that urges you to whip out your own backstabbing knife. Wrestling in the gutter only makes both of you dirty.
2. Hang on to your self-esteem. Don’t start believing the rubbish the backstabber is spreading. You know your value, your contributions, your self-worth. Don’t let the downward spiral of self-doubt get started.
3. Hold your friends close and your enemies closer. Stay in contact with the backstabber. Be calm. Be positive. Be part of alliances and coalitions where you have the opportunity to showcase your skills and your compassion for others.
4. Set the record straight when it’s appropriate to do so. A gentle, tactful comment shared at the right time with the right people can go a long way in defusing what the backstabber drops into the grapevine.
5. Bring it out into the open. Backstabbers are usually cowards who lack the backbone to say to your face what they face behind your back. Pick the right time and openly, politely, calmly, and professionally talk to the backstabber. Let them know you know what they’re saying and that it’s wrong. “They tend to tuck their tail between their legs and run in the opposite direction,” says Glenn Shepard, author of Supervising People and Leading a Team.
6. Be certain you are in the right. Is your performance what your boss expects? Are you communicating openly and without guile? Are you networking up, down, and across the organization? Do you think more about we and less about me?
7. Avoid filling the backstabber’s fuel tank—be thoughtful of what information you share and with whom you share it. Indiscriminately dishing dirt on your boss or a colleague can come back to bite you on the tushy. Big time.
8. Create a paper trail. If the backstabber is attacking your work, make sure you’ve sent confirming emails to your boss and other stakeholders. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
What advice do you have to share about handling backstabbers?
Image source before quote: morgueFile.com
It’s hard for me to hold the Martins close, especially since sarcasm can fly out of my mouth too easily.
Thanks for a good post and reminder, Jane.
Cherry — that one of the toughest part of leadership for me, holding those ornery critters close!
Go out of your way to be extra kind, sweet and helpful to them, not in a placating or supplicating way but from a position of strength, being the bigger person. The Martins usually find this confusing and even threatening and often back off because they feel on uncertain ground if you opt so thoroughly out of their game. Sometimes
they even start feeling guilty for their own behavior which I will admit is kinda fun when it happens.
Thekla – leading from a place of compassion, as you suggest, can confound those expecting a comeback from a place of anger or confrontation. Good advice…thanks for sharing!