The participants at a homeowners association meeting were brainstorming ways to share neighborhood information.
The goal was something quick, inexpensive, easy to use and readily accessible.
The assembled group included Gen X, Y and Boomers.
“Let’s use social media!” exclaimed a late 20-something. “It has everything we need!”
“Yes, what a great idea!” cried out a 30-something. “We could do a blog, a Facebook page, maybe something on Ning or Twitter!”
From another excited 50-something voice, “I can set up a blog for us tomorrow!”
“I’m in and will set up the Facebook page. I’ll also volunteer to keep it updated,” offered another 20-something.
From the back of the room came, “Awesome. I can do a webinar for the neighborhood and teach everyone how to use this stuff.”
Then, another 50-something, who felt compelled to stand before emphatically declaring, “I want nothing to do with social media. It’s ridiculous and as a former paper company executive for 25 years I know it’s totally inappropriate for solving what we’re discussing.”
“Let’s not be too hasty…” began the chairperson, who was interrupted by the emphatic gentleman. “Let me make myself clear. Social media is not what our neighborhood needs to communicate.”
From the 20-something, “Hey, let me teach you about it. You’ll love it!”
“I’m not interested in learning it. There’s no value, no future in it, and besides, it’s too risky,” proclaimed the 50-something, delivering his message in that I-have-spoken-therefore-the-discussion-is-over tone of voice.
And, indeed, the discussion ended.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” It’s debated whether or not Charles H. Duell, Commissioner of US Patent Office, actually made this quote in 1899, or if it’s urban myth. Regardless of attribution, it’s the self-important audacity and delivery of the remark – and the chilling effect such comments can create – that leaders should keep in mind.
Lessons about intimidation from both sides
On the “am I intimidating others” side of the coin
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- Am I behaving in a manner – either verbal, nonverbal or both – that no one would dare to question me, e.g., using a forceful tone of voice combined with a haughty demeanor and stern facial expression
- Am I using body language and/or my physical stature to overawe others, e.g., standing to speak while others are seated
- Am I exploiting my job level and/or experience to position myself as the only one with the right answer, e.g. specifying executive job title and length of service
On the “am I letting people intimidate me” side of the coin
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- Make it a personal priority to not let yourself be intimidated. Tactfully and professionally pushback
- Be mindful of taking things personally or letting your inner critic have too much control – both of which can silence your voice
What insights will you share about how to overcome bullies and intimidation?
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Image source before quote added: Gratisography
Jane!
Really enjoyed this post… I have been focused on the role of intimidation lately both in my personal and professional life, so your post is timely.
My girlfriend and I were talking about her son and the role intimidation plays in his life. If other kids want something more (such as getting in line for something with physical enthusiasm) he lets them get in front of him. I see myself like this as well at times. I think: if we have to fight for it I really have to evaluate if it’s worth it.
Your comment: Make it a personal priority to not let yourself be intimidated. Tactfully and professionally pushback.
If it is worth it, then I certainly do push back! Yes, the key is to do it tactfully! The best way I have learned to do this is with empathy. Mindset: The person has not intentionally gone out of their way to make my life difficult; they are acting based on their own perspective. Let me try to understand first.
As leaders, it’s important to ask questions first before jumping to conclusions. As the leader of the meeting you describe above, I would have taken out the whiteboard or flipchart, written down the goal at the top, tried to identify the pros and cons of going with social media, and also list out other strategies… to try to understand everyone’s perspective.
This usually brings everyone to a better global view of options and a very interesting conversation giving everyone a voice.
So my escape from intimidation is to seek to understand first, and then identify how I can use this experience to better myself.
Sonia
Sonia —
Peer pressure and intimidation are such tough issues for young adults. Learning to walk the tightrope between being assertive and yet fitting in is a hard lesson to learn.
Your point about seeking first to understand is terrific – understand your own motivations as well as those of others before moving forward.
If organizations everywhere had someone with your skills and empathy, outcomes would be so improved!
Thanks for stopping by and sharing!
Jane
Excellent post, Jane! I agree with Sonia, that understanding is the best tool for dealing with intimidation. In my own experience (and I spent a lifetime being intimidated before I learned some boundaries and self-respect!) people who intimidate are motivated, maybe ‘way down deep where you can’t see it, by fear. Defending an old position or way of doing things comes from fear that something new will send everything “to hell in a handbasket”, so they have to exert control to make sure that it doesn’t. But a person who is secure in his/her own sense of well-being has no need to be rigid or bullying. Such a person is open to impartial discussion of options and to change. A group might never be able to win over the frightened controller, but that person should not be allowed to dictate the decisions of the group.
Heather –
Thanks for your kind words and for enriching the discussion!
Your point about fear is an excellent one — people coming on strong as a cover-up or shield to some vulnerabilities they may have.
Great additions from you and Sonia to the list!
With a smile,
Jane