Going into the holidays, I’d never have guessed that a bowl of collard greens and black-eyed peas would serve up lessons about managing bias. I don’t think my table mate did either.

Over dessert, my table mate remarked that she still had a nasty taste in her mouth from “that awful green dish that had been forced on her.”

“Is this your first experience eating collard greens?”

“Yes, and they’re just as disgusting as everyone says they are.”

“Good for you, though, in trying them. That’s the way to go!”

“I didn’t have much choice. He forced me. He put them on my plate.”

“I heard Arthur ask you if you wanted any, and you said ‘yes.’”

“What was I supposed to say?”

“Did you want to taste them?”

“No way. Why taste something I know is going to be awful?”

“In that case, I think it would have been perfectly fine for you to have said ‘no thanks.’ Arthur wouldn’t have cared.”

“That would have been rude.”

“Not at all provided you were polite. It’s important to be honest and stick up for yourself, especially if you don’t want something.”

“So, you think I was wrong?” My table mate was getting worked up.

“What I’m saying is that I think you missed a chance to do what you wanted to do.”

“What would you have done if you were me?””

“If I don’t want to taste something, I just say so. Nicely. I think it’s unfair to say you were forced to eat the greens. Arthur was being a good host, walking around the table, carrying the heavy bowl and offering to serve. Several people shook their heads no.”

“I wanted to be nice.”

“Declining to take a serving of something you don’t want doesn’t make you not nice.”

“What does it make me?”

“I think it makes you self-confident and assertive.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“How so?”

“Often, if we don’t stick up for ourselves, no else does either. That’s especially true for women. We tend to short-change ourselves and serve the needs of others so they’ll think we’re nice. That just hurts us in the end.”

Table talk shifted loudly to football, so our sidebar chat ended. But my thinking about the exchange didn’t.

Three lessons to be learned—and shared—kept haunting me.

3 lessons inspired by…wait for it—collard greens!

1) How broad and deep the reach of confirmation bias is—even affecting whether or not we’re going to like collard greens!

Someone we care for or someone we trust says something must be a certain way, so we close our minds and accept their position. Guts, grace, determination, and a village are needed to counteract how these tendencies limit our experience and possibilities.

People don’t change their minds—just the opposite. Brains are designed to filter the world so we don’t have to question it. While this helps us survive, it’s a subjective trap; by only seeing the world as we want to, our minds narrow and it becomes difficult to understand opposing opinions. When we only look for what confirms our beliefs (confirmation bias), only side with what is most comfortable (cognitive dissonance, and don’t scrutinize contrary ideas (motivated reasoning) we impede social, economic, and academic progress. ~Sam McNerney, author and neuroscientist

2) How important it is to own what we do, no matter how uncomfortable or unflattering it is.

Convincing ourselves that someone else is responsible, i.e., he made me eat the greens, is an excuse that may sound logical on the surface but that, when probed, shows a lack of character, confidence, and inner strength.

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

3) How the belief that simply expressing a personal preference makes us unkind, not nice, or rude.

Not wanting to be seen as unkind, we choose to be silent.

Granted, sharing a preference in an obnoxious, condescending, or disrespectful manner does make us unkind and rude. But speaking our truth—and doing so gracefully, tactfully, compassionately—is a must do if we’re to communicate honestly and authentically.

If we’re already comfortable sharing our opinions in a thoughtful way, it’s important to honor the rights of others to do the same. Learning to disagree without being disagreeable is life’s secret sauce.

What lessons have you learned about disagreeing with grace?

Image credit before quote added: Pixabay