“The act of compassion begins with full attention, just as rapport does. You have to really see the person. If you see the person, then naturally, empathy arises. If you tune into the other person, you feel with them. If empathy arises, and if that person is in dire need, then empathic concern can come. You want to help them, and then that begins a compassionate act. So I’d say that compassion begins with attention.” ~Daniel Goleman
The Situation
“I don’t know what to do with Tammy. Every time I try to talk to her about her job performance, she cries.”
“What do you do when she cries?”
“It makes me feel bad so I try to comfort her.”
“Tell me how you do that.”
“I find myself saying ‘now, now, calm down. It’s not that bad. It’ll be OK.’”
“Does that stop the crying?”
“It usually takes a little while, but it works.”
“After she stops crying, what happens next?”
“By then we’ve usually used up the allotted time so she goes back to work.”
“So when do you discuss what performance improvements she must make?”
“Well, now that you mention it, we’ve never really gotten that far.”
Performance management lessons from Goldilocks
Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation where your sympathy pulled you right into the matter almost as if you were an active participant instead of the boss?
If so, there are some nuggets from none other than Goldilocks that can help you get the right balance between compassion and empathy. Effectively handling these situations requires that you not be too hard or too soft, but just right!
- Too hard.
- Coming across as cold-hearted, aloof or unfeeling to an employee’s plight lands you squarely in the bad boss corner. Dismissing, making light of, mocking and/or ignoring an employee’s emotional reaction sends the message – whether intended or not – that you don’t care. Taking an uncaring approach doesn’t solve the problem – it creates a whole new set of issues.
- Too soft.
- When you start feeling their pain and allow their emotions to become your emotions, you’re in trouble. You end up like the manager in the above story who never deals with the situation. And, while it’s always good to ascribe good intentions, you have to hope that you aren’t being manipulated. When you fail to assert the correct leadership response, you aren’t helping the employee, your organization or yourself.
- Just right.
- For those employees who get emotional when you want to talk about their performance, it’s appropriate to feel empathic to their situation. Understanding and acknowledging their feelings demonstrates that you have heart and do care. Offer a tissue. Allow adequate time for them to express their emotions, then gently and tactfully steer the conversation back to the issue(s) that prompted the meeting. By dealing with the situation in a compassionate yet composed and straightforward manner, you serve the best interests of the employee and your organization.
As reported by the Behavioral Coaching Institute, “Research shows that by acquiring emotional management skills and techniques, managers and leaders can more readily create positive and productive results in every aspect of their lives.”
So take Goldilocks’ lead and get it just right!
What other advice would you offer?
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This is a great post, Jane.
Not dealing with the problem is not helping that employee at all. The employee doesn’t have the opportunity to improve if the leader does not set clear expectations, help the employee define the path to get there, and hold the employee accountable providing needed help along the way.
So the leader who thinks they are being kind by not upsetting the employee more is actually doing that employee a disservice.
Ava – great point about niceness. Being the boss isn’t a popularity contest – it’s all those instructive topics you defined so well in your first paragraph. Thanks much for sharing!
Great post Jane. Crying is just one way of displaying
a negative reaction to disappointing news regarding performance. Any competent manager or leader has to effectively negotiate this situation, otherwise the problem is not only being deferred but compounded.
Well said, Dorothy. And, the savvy manager must also be wise to tears used as a maneuver to side-step receipt of that instructive performance feedback. Thanks for stopping by and sharing!