In the universal book of fair play, one of the basic rules is to praise in public and give criticism in private. Making people look—and feel—stupid (regardless how egregious their offense may be) in front of others serves no one well.

So imagine my shock and surprise to have a project partner level some hard-hitting criticism at me during a conference call with the project sponsor. We had co-authored an article, passing it back and forth countless times to edit and refine the content. Finally satisfied with our writing, we had scheduled the concall.

After pleasantries were exchanged, my writing partner declared that I had incorrectly entered a reference note, used the wrong dash mark, and made a grammatical error in the second paragraph. These “errors” had appeared in several iterations of the document being passed back and forth between us.

For me, it was one of those moments in which the world slows down (like when you know you’re going to rear-end the vehicle in front of you) and images, thoughts and feelings collide in your heart and mind. Unfortunately, my anger–in its incredible hulk-like intensity–prevailed as these words tumbled out of my mouth in a most sarcastic tone, “Well, blah-blah name, thanks so much for correcting me…NOW!”

One of those epic awkward silent moments ensued. I can only imagine what the third-party on the call must have been thinking.

I’ve mentally replayed that moment several times. And my reaction is always the same: chagrin and regret that I didn’t take the high road and simply, and kindly, say “thank you.” I let my feelings of having been betrayed and unfairly one-upped win. A real personal leadership no-no.

Sadly the world is full of people ready to steam roll us to increase their standing, so changing that is beyond our control. But, what we do control is our reaction when we’re unexpectedly criticized in front of others.

3 lessons I learned the hard way

1) Be gracious in the moment.

Responding as I did only resulted in two people—rather than one—rolling around in the proverbial mud. My grandma always reminded us that you get more flies with honey than vinegar. I ignored her timeless advice. The vinegar pourers may get some momentary acclaim and/or notoriety, but the trade-off over the long-term isn’t worth take. Take honey and travel the high road. The spotlight may not shine as brightly there but you know you’ve done the right thing.

2) Don’t ignore the criticism, handle it in an appropriate way at the appropriate time.

Follow-up after the call, meeting or encounter to ask your criticizer for more details and feedback on how to do better in the future. Bring your honey, of course!

3) Make the bold ask.

Ask that future criticism (constructive or otherwise) be delivered privately. Your request may be ignored, but what’s important is that you stuck up for yourself.

Bringing civility back starts with me…and you…both of us committing to taking the high road.

Image source before quote:  morgueFile.com