In looking back at what happened, I had wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt for having noble intentions, but her actions over time told me something different.

I want to collaborate with you on a project and want to talk to you, she wrote in an email. My assistant will schedule a call.

Our call lasted 10 minutes. After exchanging the usual pleasantries and background overviews, she said we should co-author an article because we shared several common interests. I agreed.

“My assistant will get more details to you,” she promised. “Watch your email.”

That was the first, last, and only time the two of us engaged. All subsequent communications, be they written or verbal, were between her assistant and me.

Throughout the back and forth of the project, I didn’t feel like a collaborator. I felt like an employee. The disconnect between my expectations and the reality made me uncomfortable.

I’d gone into the work looking forward to working with someone new and getting to know her. That didn’t happen. In wondering why, an icky thought occurred to me—had I ever done the same thing to others?

I had.

Oh, dear.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will remember how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou

In my quest to succeed, I’d failed to lead myself. I hadn’t always given others the gift of presence and authentic connection.

Just like the project-requesting woman had done, I’d sent the message to some people that my time was more important, my power greater, and my spot on the totem pole more lofty. I didn’t mean to, but I did.

Ah, to be able to turn back the hands of time and have a go at do-overs.

Realistically, it’s not possible or practical for every interaction to be face-to-face or spoken-word-to-spoken-word. However, there has to be that “Goldilocks just right,” which reinforces to others that their contributions are valued, their time is important, and their voices are valued enough to be heard directly, not through a third party.

This message of connection and value must be conveyed personally because building a personal connection is work that can never be delegated.

9 ways to build personal connection

Think how good it feels when someone makes us feel special.

Effective leaders make those around them feel special, valued, like they matter…because they do. Here’s nine ways you can bring that magic to those around you:

• Communicate one-on-one periodically when involved with a colleague on a work project. Walk by someone’s cube or office and deliver a message in-person.
• When physically present, nod, smile, and acknowledge their presence. Listen fully someone is speaking.
• Respect someone’s time and work by reading their entire email, report, or message.
• Be more than a figurehead at employee functions and get-togethers. Put the phone down and engage.
• Share the spotlight and give credit where credit is due.
• Use the feedback that you ask for. People know when the ask is for appearances only.
• Practice reciprocity and generosity of perspective. Think of those involved as both giving and receiving something of value.
• Focus on being both likeable and competent, both efficient and effective, fair and firm.
• Set the ground rules and expectations upfront. Specify if the work project will be directive or collaborative and follow through appropriately.

Those who must listen to the pleas and cries of their people should do so patiently, because the people want attention to what they say, ever more than the accomplishing for which they came. ~Ptahhotep, Egyptian philosopher

In leading yourself, be both strong and courageous enough to be vulnerable.

Reflect on your busyness. Is your time and attention focused on things, process, and results? Are people, connection, and relationship missing from the equation? If so, find the ideal combination of both results and relationships that work for you so respect, trust, and authentic connection can be yours.

Image source before quote added: Pixabay