by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
It was five minutes after the time we were supposed to meet, and I was worried because I was still sitting alone in the coffee shop. Had I gotten the date, time, or place wrong for our meetup? A frantic scroll through sent messages confirmed I was in the right place, right day, and right time.
Ten minutes ticked by. Still sitting alone. Wishing I wasn’t such a “good girl” about always being on time,
Might she have been in an accident? Taken ill? Dealing with a work emergency? Concerned, I called her.
She apologized, saying she’d forgotten about our get-together. Said she’d gotten busy on another project and that our appointment had totally slipped her mind. She didn’t offer to reschedule. The call ended pleasantly.
She’d forgotten about our meeting. That stung. It had been her idea to meet—she said she wanted to get to know me.
Feeling a little hurt, I finished my latte and watched others as they huddled over their coffees at the small tables, engaged in conversation with people who remembered and showed up, whispered the little voice in my head. My personal pity party was under way.
My little voice pointed out that I obviously didn’t matter enough to be remembered. *ugh* A low, slow simmer of anger bubbled up and mixed with my hurt. Together, those feelings lingered throughout the rest of the day.
Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner. ~Lao Tzu
Come the next morning, I wasn’t hurt or angry anymore.
Instead, I was fixated on wondering what her forgetting said about me. Did she forget because she discovered I wasn’t important? Did she forget because she’d regretted her spontaneity in suggesting that we get together? Did she not mention rescheduling because she’d decided I wasn’t interesting enough to meet with? Where had I fallen short?
These ridiculous, self-defeating thoughts continued to lurk in my head over the next several days.
Just give it a rest, will you? Implored my little voice (funny how it changes sides, isn’t it?). You’re giving this non-issue too much air time. She was busy. This isn’t about you. My little voice bounces between critic and coach. Fortunately, the coach was back.
The coach voice was right. The woman said had she’d gotten busy and forgot. Accept it, believe it, and move on, urged the coach. Quit making something personal that isn’t personal at all.
I was giving entirely too much power to a stranger. I had no control over the woman forgetting. I did, however, have complete control over how I responded to her forgetting.
I called her and suggested we reschedule. She readily agreed.
When we met, she thanked me for reaching out. She said she couldn’t bring herself to call me because she was embarrassed and ashamed for having behaved badly. She said she thought she was a better person than that but, obviously, she wasn’t.
Isn’t it fascinating how both of us had turned the focus back onto our self-perceived failings and short-comings and made something personal that wasn’t?
Always on the lookout for teachable moments, I found seven of them in this situation:
- Don’t jump to conclusions. Get the facts, test assumptions, and clarify, clarify, clarify before deciding you have the answer, know the reason, etc.
- Not everything is about you, so don’t unnecessarily give your power away.
- Consider the situation from the perspective of the other person, seek first to understand.
- Don’t conflate the behavior with the person. There are times when all good people behave badly.
- Self-worth comes from the inside out, not the outside in. Don’t be so quick to sell yourself short.
- Talk it out.
- Forgive, let go, move on.
We’re all human. That means we construct our view of reality through our personal filters, experiences, values, and beliefs. That, in turn, means we need to be eternally vigilant to not make everything about us. Because most of the time, it isn’t.
When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” -Miguel Ruiz
When we get out of our own way, that’s when success, true connection, and growth happens. Thank you, little coach voice.
Image credit before quote added: Pixabay
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
“You know what? I think you’re right.”
Isn’t there something incredibly magical, addictive, and seductive on lots of levels when someone says that to us?
Buoyed by success and probably a big chunk of ego, too, we want to do it again and again. Right? I know I sure did.
Then, along comes the person who resists our efforts. Someone who pushes just as hard as we do in presenting their ideas as the right ones.
So, we double down, confident that if we keep at them, someday we’ll prevail, and they’ll see things our way.
At least that’s how I used to see it.
After yet another disagreeable conversation with a determined resistor, I took a frustrated step back. Nothing was working, so I needed to see with beginner’s eyes.
As I thought back over my exchanges with this individual, I didn’t like what I saw. About myself. I’d come across as disrespectful and egotistical.
I used to think that changing people’s beliefs was part of being a leader who made a difference. I don’t think that way anymore and that’s a very liberating place to be.
Approaching life, love, and leadership like it’s an ice cream parlor offering at least 31 flavors—and maybe more—has made my life richer.
The journey to my liberation was difficult. Anger, tears, frustration, too much chocolate consumption, misguided persistence, self-righteousness, disagreeable words, and lost friends littered the path.
Losing friends was the worst. I liked those people. I missed the fun times with them, the sharing and how they made my life better because they were a “different flavor.” That’s something I didn’t realize until they were gone.
As much as I like anything chocolate, a steady diet of it would be unsatisfying. There’s no tingle of anticipation of something new. There’s no comfort zone growing aha moments. There’s no new thoughts that invite exploration of the unknown. That steady diet of just me and chocolate, while comforting and comfortable, isn’t making me a better person or helping me make a difference.
It took me too long to learn that making a difference depends on differences.
I had a lot to learn. I had to:
- Get comfortable being uncomfortable.
- Stop trying to change someone’s beliefs and start acknowledging and respecting their right to have different views.
- Go give respect to get respect.
- Tolerate to be tolerated.
- Let go of certainty to find fulfillment.
- Concede that my blind spots and hot buttons were indications of my weaknesses, not my strengths.
Most complex problems have multiple solutions. To solve them, we have to learn to pause and consider the big picture and the context of the moment. Some days, focusing on results is the right thing to do; on other days, nurturing relationships is what moves things forward. Other times, it’s teamwork that carries us across the finish line; other times it’s the autonomy of the solitary contributor. Some days, the right answer is my way; and on others, it’s your way.
Making room in our heads and hearts for lots of “flavors” of life, love, and leadership makes us sometimes uncomfortable but, in the end, it makes us compassionate.
Successful, too.
Maybe not by the “who has the most toys” definition but certainly by the yardstick of having character.
Today, when someone criticizes another for their beliefs, I don’t pile on like I used to. Instead, I honor and respect their right to think and believe differently and hope that they’ll do the same for me.
While it’s still sometimes hard to do, I’ve finally learned to be the water.
Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong. ~Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher
Image source before quote added: Pixabay
by Jane Perdue | Leadership
In looking back at what happened, I had wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt for having noble intentions, but her actions over time told me something different.
I want to collaborate with you on a project and want to talk to you, she wrote in an email. My assistant will schedule a call.
Our call lasted 10 minutes. After exchanging the usual pleasantries and background overviews, she said we should co-author an article because we shared several common interests. I agreed.
“My assistant will get more details to you,” she promised. “Watch your email.”
That was the first, last, and only time the two of us engaged. All subsequent communications, be they written or verbal, were between her assistant and me.
Throughout the back and forth of the project, I didn’t feel like a collaborator. I felt like an employee. The disconnect between my expectations and the reality made me uncomfortable.
I’d gone into the work looking forward to working with someone new and getting to know her. That didn’t happen. In wondering why, an icky thought occurred to me—had I ever done the same thing to others?
I had.
Oh, dear.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will remember how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou
In my quest to succeed, I’d failed to lead myself. I hadn’t always given others the gift of presence and authentic connection.
Just like the project-requesting woman had done, I’d sent the message to some people that my time was more important, my power greater, and my spot on the totem pole more lofty. I didn’t mean to, but I did.
Ah, to be able to turn back the hands of time and have a go at do-overs.
Realistically, it’s not possible or practical for every interaction to be face-to-face or spoken-word-to-spoken-word. However, there has to be that “Goldilocks just right,” which reinforces to others that their contributions are valued, their time is important, and their voices are valued enough to be heard directly, not through a third party.
This message of connection and value must be conveyed personally because building a personal connection is work that can never be delegated.
9 ways to build personal connection
Think how good it feels when someone makes us feel special.
Effective leaders make those around them feel special, valued, like they matter…because they do. Here’s nine ways you can bring that magic to those around you:
- Communicate one-on-one periodically when involved with a colleague on a work project. Walk by someone’s cube or office and deliver a message in-person.
- When physically present, nod, smile, and acknowledge their presence. Listen fully someone is speaking.
- Respect someone’s time and work by reading their entire email, report, or message.
- Be more than a figurehead at employee functions and get-togethers. Put the phone down and engage.
- Share the spotlight and give credit where credit is due.
- Use the feedback that you ask for. People know when the ask is for appearances only.
- Practice reciprocity and generosity of perspective. Think of those involved as both giving and receiving something of value.
- Focus on being both likeable and competent, both efficient and effective, fair and firm.
- Set the ground rules and expectations upfront. Specify if the work project will be directive or collaborative and follow through appropriately.
Those who must listen to the pleas and cries of their people should do so patiently, because the people want attention to what they say, ever more than the accomplishing for which they came. ~Ptahhotep, Egyptian philosopher
In leading yourself, be both strong and courageous enough to be vulnerable.
Reflect on your busyness. Is your time and attention focused on things, process, and results? Are people, connection, and relationship missing from the equation? If so, find the ideal combination of both results and relationships that work for you so respect, trust, and authentic connection can be yours.
Image source before quote added: Pixabay
by Jane Perdue | Leadership
Every work group needs a contrarian.
People with different points of view, experiences, or attitudes move conversation and decision-making to a higher level. They aid in getting unconventional ideas and options noticed, comfort zones expanded, and results improved.
That’s the upside.
Some contrarians, though, bring work, ideas, and interaction to a complete halt.
The Urban Dictionary defines a contrarian as “someone who automatically tends to take the opposite point of view from the person to whom they’re speaking, or to disagree with society at large out of a sort of knee-jerk reflex.”
The trick to being a valuable contrarian versus being a pain-in-the-you-know-where-one is your orientation and attitude.
Why are you a contrarian?
Are you being the contrarian because you have a “me” focus rather than a “we” one? Because you believe your opinion is always the right one? Because you love to argue just for the sake of arguing? Or, are you pushing for something important the rest of the group has failed to see?
When the Catholic Church determines whether an individual should become a saint, a person is assigned the role of devil’s advocate. It’s their job to poke holes in the evidence. Additionally, there’s also a “Promoter of Justice” whose role is to argue in favor of the facts.
What makes a contrarian valuable
Purposefully poking meaningful holes in a position or idea is priceless, invaluable, and always needed. Being antagonistic just for the sport of it isn’t.
By design, there was a contrarian on nearly every team I lead. I wanted someone who was willing to shake up the status quo.
Their orientation and attitude had everything to do with whether their team mates were initially receptive when they shared a point of view.
Concepts introduced combatively or with an air of superiority were ignored or quickly dismissed. The disagreeable messenger killed his own idea.
Often they [contrarians] haven’t acquired the tactical skills of developing their ideas. They tend to blurt them out, making them hard to accept, or else they disagree with others in a clumsy way. ~Karl Albrecht, author
3 things good contrarians do
Pay attention to social graces. People instinctively pull back from comments laced with anger, bitterness, and frustration because they feel like they’re being attacked. Your idea may well be the right answer, but if your present it with contempt, expect a cool reception. Learn to introduce and frame your ideas with tact and diplomacy.
If I see you as different and I view you with suspicion, or at the best with cold neutrality, it is unlikely that I will feel kindly disposed toward you. If instead I look at you knowing we both belong to the human race, both have a similar nature, different experiences but the same roots and a common destiny, then it is probable I will feel openness, solidarity, empathy toward you. In another word, kindness. ~Piero Ferrucci, The Power of Kindness
Think more about we and less about me. Present your thoughts less in terms of how they benefit you and more in terms of how they benefit the team, organization, community, etc. Promoting the greater good is good; hogging the spotlight isn’t.
Scientists have discovered that the small, brave act of cooperating with another person, of choosing trust over cynicism, generosity over selfishness, makes the brain light up with quiet joy. ~Natalie Angier, writer
Keep sharing. Poking holes in existing thinking or advancing something totally new is what moves business, careers, and personal growth forward. Make your voice heard.
We have it in our power to change the world over. ~Thomas Paine, political activist
What tips do you have for being a good contrarian?
by Jane Perdue | Leadership
Being a leader is a forever kind of thing.
Leadership isn’t a role to be slipped in and out of when it’s convenient to do.
If we want to be an effective leader, our vision and guidance must always shine, in lights both bright and muted.
11 ways to be a leader who shines
A leader who always shines:
…knows that leadership is more than dominance, authority, status, and being in the limelight. Thoughtful and effective leaders dance the complicated leadership dance of results and relationships.
Of all the things that sustain a leader over time, love is the most lasting. The best-kept secret of successful leaders is love staying in love with leading, with the people who do the work, with what their organizations produce, and with those who honor the organization by using its work. ~James Kouzes and Barry Posner
Organizations exist to serve. Period. Leaders live to serve. Period. ~Tom Peters
…urges people to heed their better angels in finding meaning and purpose in their work that extends beyond status and money.
Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good. ~Minor Myers
…leads from values and beliefs, not behaviors, in serving the greater good as well as immediate business and personnel needs.
My values, our values, aren’t about pointing fingers. They are about offering a helping hand. ~Kathleen Blanco
Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.
~Gandhi
…is consistent, responsible, and responsive in times of calm or times of chaos.
When we aren’t curious in conversations we judge, tell, blame and even shame, often without even knowing it, which leads to conflict. ~Kirsten Siggins
…values service, not status, and stays in touch with employees at all levels of the organization.
The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things. ~Ronald Reagan
There is no investment you can make which will pay you so well as the effort to scatter sunshine and good cheer through your establishment. ~Orison Swett Marden
…balances independence and interdependence. Alternates between “we” and “me” standpoints. Also tells the truth no matter how uncomfortable it is and does so with grace.
The most dangerous leadership myth is that leaders are born-that there is a genetic factor to leadership. This myth asserts that people simply either have certain charismatic qualities or not. That’s nonsense; in fact, the opposite is true. Leaders are made rather than born. ~Warren Bennis
Good leaders build products. Great leaders build cultures. Good leaders deliver results. Great leaders develop people. Good leaders have vision. Great leaders have values. Good leaders are role models at work. Great leaders are role models in life. ~Adam Grant
…is comfortable leading from the front as well as from behind, understanding that the ability to flex to the situation is strength, not weakness.
A leader…is like a shepherd. He stays behind the flock, letting the most nimble go out ahead, whereupon the others follow, and realizing that all along they are being directed from behind. ~Nelson Mandela
…encourages diversity of thought, opinion, perspective, and experience. (My grandfather used to say that if someone thought exactly like he did, he didn’t need them on this team. He wanted people who brought new ideas and different outlooks. The older I get, the more I appreciate how fortunate I was to have this influence early in my life.)
Strength lies in differences, not in similarities. ~Stephen Covey.
One thing is clear to me: We, as human beings, must be willing to accept people who are different from ourselves. ~Barbara Jordan
…stops stereotypes in their tracks and manages bias to mitigate its harmful impacts.
Nowadays silence is looked on as odd and most of my race has forgotten the beauty of meaning much by saying little. Now tongues work all day by themselves with no help from the mind. ~Toni Morrison
…acknowledges the need to occasionally deal with the superficial and its optics while never losing sight of the depth of issues.
The true mark of a leader is the willingness to stick with a bold course of action — an unconventional business strategy, a unique product-development roadmap, a controversial marketing campaign — even as the rest of the world wonders why you’re not marching in step with the status quo. In other words, real leaders are happy to zig while others zag. They understand that in an era of hyper-competition and non-stop disruption, the only way to stand out from the crowd is to stand for something special. ~Bill Taylor
…knows when to think first and talk later. Knows as well the value of sometimes not talking at all, choosing to listen instead.
You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view. ~Harper Lee
Ready to be a leader who shines?
Image credit before quote added: Pixabay
