by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
The participants at a homeowners association meeting were brainstorming ways to share neighborhood information.
The goal was something quick, inexpensive, easy to use and readily accessible.
The assembled group included Gen X, Y and Boomers.
“Let’s use social media!” exclaimed a late 20-something. “It has everything we need!”
“Yes, what a great idea!” cried out a 30-something. “We could do a blog, a Facebook page, maybe something on Ning or Twitter!”
From another excited 50-something voice, “I can set up a blog for us tomorrow!”
“I’m in and will set up the Facebook page. I’ll also volunteer to keep it updated,” offered another 20-something.
From the back of the room came, “Awesome. I can do a webinar for the neighborhood and teach everyone how to use this stuff.”
Then, another 50-something, who felt compelled to stand before emphatically declaring, “I want nothing to do with social media. It’s ridiculous and as a former paper company executive for 25 years I know it’s totally inappropriate for solving what we’re discussing.”
“Let’s not be too hasty…” began the chairperson, who was interrupted by the emphatic gentleman. “Let me make myself clear. Social media is not what our neighborhood needs to communicate.”
From the 20-something, “Hey, let me teach you about it. You’ll love it!”
“I’m not interested in learning it. There’s no value, no future in it, and besides, it’s too risky,” proclaimed the 50-something, delivering his message in that I-have-spoken-therefore-the-discussion-is-over tone of voice.
And, indeed, the discussion ended.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” It’s debated whether or not Charles H. Duell, Commissioner of US Patent Office, actually made this quote in 1899, or if it’s urban myth. Regardless of attribution, it’s the self-important audacity and delivery of the remark – and the chilling effect such comments can create – that leaders should keep in mind.
Lessons about intimidation from both sides
On the “am I intimidating others” side of the coin
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- Am I behaving in a manner – either verbal, nonverbal or both – that no one would dare to question me, e.g., using a forceful tone of voice combined with a haughty demeanor and stern facial expression
- Am I using body language and/or my physical stature to overawe others, e.g., standing to speak while others are seated
- Am I exploiting my job level and/or experience to position myself as the only one with the right answer, e.g. specifying executive job title and length of service
On the “am I letting people intimidate me” side of the coin
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- Make it a personal priority to not let yourself be intimidated. Tactfully and professionally pushback
- Be mindful of taking things personally or letting your inner critic have too much control – both of which can silence your voice
What insights will you share about how to overcome bullies and intimidation?
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Image source before quote added: Gratisography
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
We’d been beach combing for an hour. Now it was time to survey each other’s treasures.
We poured three glasses of wine and settled in our beach chairs to savor the sunset view, compare our finds, and share some easy conversation between old friends.
We spread our respective bounty across the sea grass mat. Our haul was small – each one of us had returned with a carefully chosen selection of perfect unbroken shells.
Just what one would expect from three over-achieving, results-oriented business women.
But we missed the point, didn’t we?
We overlooked all those perfect pieces of shells, not unlike our lives.
Is anyone’s life one perfect piece?
Aren’t our lives really a collection of pieces of perfect with lots of learning lessons tucked in-between?
Now when we gather sea treasures, our collections are much more eclectic: unusually-shaped and/or colored fragments, bits of sea glass, and broken segments of sand dollars.
Findings much more representative of the tossings and turnings of the ocean…and our lives.
What’s in your sea treasure collection?
Thoughts on being perfect
Good enough is good enough. Perfect will make you a big fat mess every time. ~Rebecca Wells
At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success. ~Michael Law
Perfectionism measures our beginner’s work against the finished work of masters. Perfectionism thrives on comparison and competition. It doesn’t know how to say, “Good try,” or “Job well done.” The critic does not believe in creative glee–or any glee at all, for that matter. No, perfectionism is a serious matter. ~Julia Cameron
Perfectionism is not a prerequisite for anything but pain. ~Danna Faulds
90 percent perfect and shared with the world always changes more lives than 100 percent perfect and stuck in your head. ~Jon Acuff
Image source before quote: morgueFile.com
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
On a recent flight, my middle seat companion railed against crowded airplanes (totally understandable), his company, his boss, his wife, his kids, his colleagues, American Idol, the oil company conspiracy, how baseball has lost its soul, the government, how social media is ruining our ability to talk to one another, and how restaurant cooking will be the death of us all.
Had our flight been longer, I suspect his rant list would have been longer, too.
The lack of audience participation didn’t diminish his ardor. Both the aisle seat and the window seat [me!] realized somewhere over Atlanta that dialogue wasn’t necessary, needed or even wanted. He was enjoying his downward spiral ride.
Some people do lose sight of anything positive, and fail to recognize it. If they aren’t interested in help or feedback to turn the spiral around, just be there for them when they hit bottom.
In the meantime, make sure you aren’t hopping on the downward ride with them.
Avoid the downward blame spiral
»»» Keep your focus on making things better, not assigning blame. Investigate to determine where things went wrong, then use the lessons as a teachable moment. Blaming can stop people in their tracks; teaching helps them grow.
»»» Bashing—in the right place at the right time with the right people—can help you let off some steam, heading off a complete melt-down. Pick wisely.
»»» Letting off steam can be a healthy release—as long as it’s part of a process that includes both acknowledging a problem and proposing a solution for it. (In a past life as part of a cultural renewal initiative following a merger, we created a team norm of “don’t throw any dead cats.” Finger-pointing was the new team sport: which company had made the most mistakes, who had the best practices and policies, whose leaders were superior, etc. No one won and everyone lost at that game. The new team norm helped immensely in getting off the downward bashing spiral.)
»»» Stick to the issues, don’t make it a personal attack. That rarely solves the problem.
The majority see the obstacles; the few see the objectives; history records the successes of the latter, while oblivion is the reward of the former. ~Alfred Armand Montapert
What say you?
Image source: Gratisography
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
“Hello, Jane Perdue speaking.” (I had a boss early in my career who required us to answer our phones this way. The habit stuck.)
“Is Jane Perdue there?”
“This is she. How may I help you?”
“I want to speak with Jane Perdue.” (Tone of voice is annoyed and demanding)
“This is she. How can I help?”
“You’re Jane Perdue? Really? I didn’t hear you say Jane Perdue.”
“Really and truly! You have Jane Perdue on the line. And you are…?”
“Are you sure you’re Jane Perdue?” (Tone = no way, quit joking)
“I’m absolutely sure. How can I help you?”
“Well, if you’re really Jane Perdue…”
** big sigh **
Power of first impressions
First impressions are so important and so tricky.
Important on the sending end because you want to make a good one. Tricky on the receiving end because you don’t want to be judgmental and wrong. Which I nearly was.
My first impression of the caller wasn’t favorable—low listening skills, low receptivity, a little combative, may be even a little haughty. Would it have been easy to conclude that my initial assessment was accurate? Yes, absolutely. Would it have been right? Not in the slightest.
Do what you gotta do to be curious
And that’s…
Challenge assumptions.
Did I have enough information to draw a viable conclusion? Not even close. What came across as haughtiness was incredulity that I had answered my own phone.
Gather more data points.
One brief encounter may not be indicative of a pattern of behavior. The caller admitted to not listening at the beginning. His expectation was that someone would answer my phone for me, so he had tuned out.
Look for context.
Do you know enough about the background, environment, setting, situation, etc. to have a full picture of the facts? The caller’s context was that he would have to go through an assistant to reach me. I expected him to be fully present in the moment.
Are you making the “facts” fit the story?
I loved the boss who taught me this way of answering the phone as a way of gathering insights into how well someone listened. Yet his rationale imprinted a distinct point of view in my mind about a caller’s listening abilities which is something I now must need to be perpetually mindful of.
What other counsel would you offer for being a curious leader instead of a judgmental one?
Image source before quote: Gratisography
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
Do you place certain papers in a certain spot on your desk?
Do you travel to work via the same route every day?
Do you have a favorite coffee mug for easy Saturday mornings?
Is there a food you eat when you seek comfort (gooey mac and cheese here!)?
Most of us have some preferred routines and/or objects for a reason. They’re familiar. They’re comfortable. They make us feel safe.
But sometimes that comfort can become confining: sometimes we’re unaware that we’ve created boundaries we rarely step across.
If we’re to grow, learn, and make a positive difference, we have to propel ourselves beyond the borders of our comfort zone. Tim Butler, psychotherapist, director of Career Development at Harvard Business School and author of Getting Unstuck: How Dead Ends Become New Paths, says:
Failure to get unstuck can put careers, personal life goals, and the healthy functioning of work teams or organizations at risk.
3 ways to grow your comfort zone
If propelling past the borders of your comfort zone seems overwhelming or frightening, try these three things:
Every week: do something that isn’t “you.”
Eat sushi. Sign up for dance or karate lessons. Wear orange or polka dots. Walk, or sing, in the rain. Make a cold call. Attend a networking event. Read and comment on a blog. Sleep in or get up extra early. What’s important is exploring and experimenting. Without new influences and experiences, a comfort zone can become a self-imposed prison.
Every month: learn something new.
Whether you learn something big or small is up to you. What’s important is learning! Listen to classical music or the Black Eyed Peas. Enjoy an audio book as you drive to work or the market. Take in a TED presentation. Take a webinar. Look up the meaning of an unfamiliar word and use it in a conversation that very same day. Learn a new software. Try out a new craft or sport. Expand all your muscles: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
Every quarter: let go of or toss out one thing.
Choose what that one thing is gonna be. It might be an object, a feeling, a practice or whatever your personal baggage might be.
That sweater that hasn’t been worn since high school – give it to a charity.
That slighted feeling you’re carrying around because Betty or Bob ignored you – write it down on a piece of paper, tie that paper to a helium-filled balloon and let it sail away, out of your head, heart and life.
Those beliefs you’re carved in personal granite about how things must always be done – grab your chisel, and start carving away.
That dress or shirt or tie you’ve been saving for a special event – declare today a special day and wear it.
Be perpetually open to learning, doing and being!
What’s your favorite way to blast outside your comfort zone?
Image source: morgueFile.com
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
The article title “Are you willing to pay the price for success?” did its job.
I began reading.
Hard work is the key to success, so work diligently on any project you undertake. If you truly want to be successful, be prepared to give up your leisure time and work past 5 PM and on weekends. ~Charles Lazarus
By the end of the second paragraph I knew this article was something aimed at “first act” me – that ambitious woman who was all too willing to pay the price the author offered up as requirements for success: long hours, the Blackberry grafted to my palm, living out of suitcases, singing the corporate song and perpetually doing more with less.
“Second act” me would love to introduce the article writer to Marilyn, a client who says “I’ve lost my way and don’t know what to do.” (Hey, I’d like to chat with him, too.) Marilyn, like so many others (including me!), enthusiastically anteed up the big blind for corporate success, and paid it over and over again for 20 years.
Marilyn achieved the success she sought – the coveted senior vice president role for a large multi-national firm.
How do you define success?
Now, after two years in her long sought treasure, Marilyn questions not so much the price (that was clear and understood from the beginning) but rather the success itself, i.e., all that for this: longer hours, more travel, a single-minded business focus on the bottom line and the stock price, and greater pressure to do more with less.
As Marilyn described it, it was just more of the same only on a bigger scale.
“There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.” ~Christopher Morley
What the article author and Marilyn did was define the price.
Neither defined success.
- Is success the corporate corner office, the lofty salary, the grand job title?
- Is it feeling contentment, knowing that you’ve made a difference?
- Is success public acclaim or being a celebrity?
- Is it being able to work from home wearing your sweats and no mascara and/or not shaving?
- Is it writing an anonymous six-figure check to your favorite charity?
- Is success having a home on both coasts, a luxury car, designer clothes?
- Or is it something totally different? Even a combination of the above?
Every human has four endowments: self-awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom: the power to choose, to respond, and to change. ~Dr. Stephen Covey
Whether we define and measure success by or with things or outcomes or feelings, the choice is ours. There’s no right or wrong answer.
The key for fulfillment comes with knowing what our personal success target is. That way, when we claim our prize, we’re getting what we truly wanted.
Have you thought about what success means to you?
Image source: Gratisography
