by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
Going into the holidays, I’d never have guessed that a bowl of collard greens and black-eyed peas would serve up lessons about managing bias. I don’t think my table mate did either.
Over dessert, my table mate remarked that she still had a nasty taste in her mouth from “that awful green dish that had been forced on her.”
“Is this your first experience eating collard greens?”
“Yes, and they’re just as disgusting as everyone says they are.”
“Good for you, though, in trying them. That’s the way to go!”
“I didn’t have much choice. He forced me. He put them on my plate.”
“I heard Arthur ask you if you wanted any, and you said ‘yes.’”
“What was I supposed to say?”
“Did you want to taste them?”
“No way. Why taste something I know is going to be awful?”
“In that case, I think it would have been perfectly fine for you to have said ‘no thanks.’ Arthur wouldn’t have cared.”
“That would have been rude.”
“Not at all provided you were polite. It’s important to be honest and stick up for yourself, especially if you don’t want something.”
“So, you think I was wrong?” My table mate was getting worked up.
“What I’m saying is that I think you missed a chance to do what you wanted to do.”
“What would you have done if you were me?””
“If I don’t want to taste something, I just say so. Nicely. I think it’s unfair to say you were forced to eat the greens. Arthur was being a good host, walking around the table, carrying the heavy bowl and offering to serve. Several people shook their heads no.”
“I wanted to be nice.”
“Declining to take a serving of something you don’t want doesn’t make you not nice.”
“What does it make me?”
“I think it makes you self-confident and assertive.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“How so?”
“Often, if we don’t stick up for ourselves, no else does either. That’s especially true for women. We tend to short-change ourselves and serve the needs of others so they’ll think we’re nice. That just hurts us in the end.”
Table talk shifted loudly to football, so our sidebar chat ended. But my thinking about the exchange didn’t.
Three lessons to be learned—and shared—kept haunting me.
3 lessons inspired by…wait for it—collard greens!
1) How broad and deep the reach of confirmation bias is—even affecting whether or not we’re going to like collard greens!
Someone we care for or someone we trust says something must be a certain way, so we close our minds and accept their position. Guts, grace, determination, and a village are needed to counteract how these tendencies limit our experience and possibilities.
People don’t change their minds—just the opposite. Brains are designed to filter the world so we don’t have to question it. While this helps us survive, it’s a subjective trap; by only seeing the world as we want to, our minds narrow and it becomes difficult to understand opposing opinions. When we only look for what confirms our beliefs (confirmation bias), only side with what is most comfortable (cognitive dissonance, and don’t scrutinize contrary ideas (motivated reasoning) we impede social, economic, and academic progress. ~Sam McNerney, author and neuroscientist
2) How important it is to own what we do, no matter how uncomfortable or unflattering it is.
Convincing ourselves that someone else is responsible, i.e., he made me eat the greens, is an excuse that may sound logical on the surface but that, when probed, shows a lack of character, confidence, and inner strength.
In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
3) How the belief that simply expressing a personal preference makes us unkind, not nice, or rude.
Not wanting to be seen as unkind, we choose to be silent.
Granted, sharing a preference in an obnoxious, condescending, or disrespectful manner does make us unkind and rude. But speaking our truth—and doing so gracefully, tactfully, compassionately—is a must do if we’re to communicate honestly and authentically.
If we’re already comfortable sharing our opinions in a thoughtful way, it’s important to honor the rights of others to do the same. Learning to disagree without being disagreeable is life’s secret sauce.
What lessons have you learned about disagreeing with grace?
Image credit before quote added: Pixabay
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
February is heart month. Perhaps you’re wondering what that has to do with leadership.
Lots more than you might think: if we fail to take care of ourselves, there’s no leading or serving others. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way.
Many of us spend lots of time on work and too little on ourselves, thinking self-care is something for self-indulgent sissies. That’s a thought to let go of.
“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” ~Anne Lamott
Years ago, when I mapped out what I wanted from life, being a statistic for heart disease wasn’t on the list. Had I been as diligent in learning about self-care as I was about leadership, I could have avoided becoming a heart statistic.
Thankfully, my loving husband ignored my “I’m fine” remarks and got me medical help. Because of hubby and an amazing cardiologist, I dodged the silent killer and have gotten to celebrate three more birthdays.
The privilege of surviving, I’ve learned, comes with opportunities and obligations. Opportunities to live a life of purpose and an obligation (albeit a welcome one) to share, educate, and inspire.
Self-care belongs on the to-do list of everyone who calls themself a leader.
7 ways to be a perfectly imperfect leader
To make that happen, the first thing we have to do is concede there’s more to life than work and then give ourselves permission to be unselfishly selfish and perfectly imperfect.
To be unselfishly selfish, we take or make the time to do things that make us better. To be perfectly imperfect, we accept our limitations and embrace the quirks that set us apart. We:
…block off hours in our calendar in which we turn off the computer and put away the cell phone. We use these chunks of “me-time” to think, dream, read, meet with a friend, write, stare out the window, or go for a walk. We see the productiveness of this time and note it’s in a form that’s different from our work-focused “go-go-go” activities. We renew.
…opt more often for the roasted veggies and grilled meat and less often for the double cheeseburger. Good fuel in, good health out. However, we still enjoy a cheeseburger occasionally and do so without guilt. Small pleasures are enough. We choose wisely.
…stay on top of our personal “metrics”—blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose, and the like—just as we do our work-related ones. If we run a company or a department, we know our KPIs. We look at the numbers to know what’s going right and what needs attention. We need to be able to rattle off our personal health numbers just as easily as we do the business ones. We know our numbers.
…quit being the stoic who denies not feeling well. We no longer stay quiet because we don’t want to make a fuss, come across like a hypochondriac, or have to acknowledge the scary possibility that something serious might truly be wrong with us. (If you’re a woman and have used any of these reasons, you have lots of female company. Women are far more likely than men to delay seeking medical treatment for heart conditions, which is why heart disease kills more women than breast cancer each year.) We speak up.
…happily acknowledge being the most unbendy person in the yoga class or being the one who walks, not runs, around the track. The important thing is that we’re there and doing something physical. We make it so.
…know that heart attack symptoms differ between men and women. Men’s symptoms—chest and arm pain—are widely recognized; women’s not so much. Women’s symptoms can include being extra tired for no apparent reason, experiencing unusual shortness of breath, feeling light-headed, or having pain in your neck, jaw or back. I dismissed my episodes of dizziness and shortness of breath as signs of overwork and lack of exercise. That was almost a deadly mistake. We pay attention.
…accept the vulnerability that comes with sharing our self-care stories because story-telling touches hearts and minds—the same things that all good leaders do. Sharing is important because it keeps us honest—I’ll always remember the look on my husband’s face when he told me he never again wanted to follow an ambulance knowing that his wife was in it. We’re strong enough to be sensitive and sensible.
“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.” ~Andre Lorde
And lastly, we hold each other accountable for self-care and tell ourselves and others—every day—that self-care isn’t selfish; it’s smart. Loving life and leading others starts with loving and taking care of ourselves. As a gift to ourselves, our loved ones, and those whom we lead, we just do it.
Life, love, and leadership—with all their delightful and dizzying ups and downs—is why.
Image credit: Pixabay
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
“I never thought I’d get in trouble for doing what I thought was the right thing,” lamented Sally. “I really thought my boss would appreciate that I dug in and got the whole story.”
Reba was Sally’s boss. She was also the department head, directly supervising ten people who, in turn, managed 180 employees. She was a busy woman who relied heavily on the judgment of her direct reports.
Keith was one of those direct reports. He had told Reba that one of his employees, Trina, had refused to lead a discussion with hourly employees.
Conducting those discussion was the responsibility of the quality team. Being on the quality team was a prestigious skill development assignment only available to high potential employees
Wrong turn #1
Keith said he believed that Trina had refused to lead the discussion because he suspected that she was trying to avoid what she now saw as extra, unpaid work. Keith recommended to Reba that Trina be removed from the quality team.
Wrong turn #2
Reba gave Keith the OK to remove her.
Trina was deeply hurt when Keith told her she was off the quality team. She asked if there was anything she could do to change her removal. Keith told her there wasn’t.
Several years earlier, Trina had worked on Sally’s team. Because they had a good relationship, Trina asked to meet one-on-one with Sally. Sally agreed.
In that meeting, Trina said she was going to quit because she didn’t want to work for a company that wasn’t understanding.
“I told Keith I didn’t feel up to leading the discussion because of a family matter.”
“What did Keith do after you told him that?” Asked Sally.
“All he did was nod his head and walk away. My impression is that he didn’t ask for more details because he wanted to honor my privacy. I appreciated that. Keith didn’t speak to me again until he told me that I was being removed from the quality team.”
“I know you appreciated Keith not asking more questions about your family matter. Are you comfortable giving me a few more details so I can better understand how your family matter impacted your ability to lead the quality discussion?”
“My father had a flare-up of an ongoing and long-term illness. The doctor told the family that he had less than three months to live. I was struggling to cope with that news and wasn’t at my best that week. Getting my own job done was almost more than I could handle.”
Concerned for several reasons, Sally approached Reba with this information.
Wrong turn #3
After hearing the added detail, Reba told Sally she was wrong to have interfered in Keith’s employee matter.
That evening, Reba told her husband about the situation. She was feeling remorseful and needed to talk it out.
She knew she’d acted harshly with Sally. She’d acted that way not because she was angry Sally had meddled, but because she was embarrassed for having agreed with Keith without having asked more questions.
Whatever their respective motivations, Keith, Reba, and Sally were all guilty of climbing the ladder of inference.
Reflect before jumping to a conclusion
Business theorist Chris Argyris created the ladder of inference, which is a model of how we think. To understand how the ladder of inference works, picture climbing a ladder that has seven rungs:
- The first step is us encountering data or a situation.
- The second step happens when we take something away from step one and decide to focus on it.
- We take step three when we assign meaning to what we’re focusing on.
- Step four occurs when we make an assumption based on the meaning we’ve given to what happened in step one.
- Step five is when we draw a conclusion based on our assumption.
- Step six is us using our conclusion to affirm an old belief or develop a new one.
- Step seven finds us taking action based on our belief.
The climb to the top of the ladder of inference is one we take alone, which can makes it a dangerous climb especially if we’re heading to an incorrect conclusion.
As we ascend from one rung to the next, we rely on our personal beliefs, values, opinions, past experiences, etc. to reach a conclusion that seems natural, normal, and right to us.
Sometimes our conclusion is spot on, but sometimes it’s wrong. Really, really wrong.
When we’re really wrong and are beating ourselves up for not being more thoughtful, remind yourself that the other party wasn’t in your head as you climbed the ladder of inference.
The person we’ve wronged doesn’t have a clue about the seven ladder steps we climbed without them…which means we feel misunderstood or unfairly accused as events spiral out of control.
Ask questions before jumping to a conclusion
If you find yourself facing unintended consequences resulting from a decision you made, ask yourself a few questions to determine how far up the ladder of inference you scrambled.
- Do I really have enough information to think this way?
- Did I ask enough questions or do enough research to assure that I had all the facts?
- Could I have missed something?
- Is there something I’ve chosen to ignore?
- Is the meaning I’m giving to what happened truly objective or are my feelings and opinions about this person or situation driving my conclusions?
- Are my assumptions correct?
- Am I making something personal that isn’t?
- Are my own insecurities coloring what I’m thinking and feeling?
- Could an impartial third party suspect that a bias or two might be influencing me?
The best way to avoid the unintended consequences that result from climbing the ladder of inference is to avoid climbing it. Channel your emotions. Validate your feelings. Gather all the relevant information. Test your assumptions. Invite feedback on your conclusion. Then take action.
As you think, so you become. Avoid superstitiously investing events with power or meanings they don’t have. Keep your head. Our busy minds are forever jumping to conclusions, manufacturing and interpreting signs that aren’t there. ~Epictetus, philosopher, The Art of Living
Have you ever climbed the ladder of inference and done something you wished you hadn’t because it turned out your conclusion was wrong? Have you ever had someone attack or accuse you of wrong-doing because they incorrectly climbed the ladder of inference? How did you make things right?
Image credit before quote added: Pixabay
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
It felt creepy and uncomfortable to hear the project team lead say during the kick-off meeting, “I know exactly what we need to do to get this body of work done. All you have to do is do as I say, and we’ll all get a big bonus.”
Perhaps it’s my confirmation bias working overtime because I hear many people expressing a similar sentiment. I’ve got this; just follow my lead. Let me do the thinking, and everything will be good to go. I’m the one with the answers. These declarations are delivered emphatically, signaling zero openness to alternate ideas.
In an increasingly connected world that’s dominated by diversity, moving beyond confidence into the hubris and arrogance of this follow me/my way isn’t a strong leadership position, no matter how technically smart someone may be.
Being an effective leader begins with leading ourselves, which means being open to other points of view and ways of doing things other than our own.
The ideal leadership/followership equilibrium results when respect and empathy are displayed; diversity of thought, opinion, perspective, and experience is sought and embraced; both tradition and innovation are valued; and everyone is encouraged to have an open mind and heart.
Leadership…is an act of love in the face of an uncertain world. ~Umair Haque, author
In a world in which we expect the neighborhood ice cream shop to offer up at least 31 flavors from which to choose, leaders who want to deliver both economics and engagement need to bring the same expectation of variety to their work and not force one ideology—theirs.
Sometimes this my-way-or-the-highway approach is the result of an abundance of dogmatic thinking or being hyper-skeptical of other’s abilities and differing opinions.
Other times, ego, a mega-need for control, and too little respect for others are the drivers.
Heard that the office grapevine describes you as bossy, opinionated, and over-bearing? Crashed and burned in a feedback session or 360 review? Become aware that you’re never invited to join anyone for a coffee, lunch, or after-work cocktail?
If so, and you’re not happy with those outcomes, it’s time to explore five matters—need for control, motives, insecurity, orientation to facts and opinions, and regard for others. Ask yourself some uncomfortable questions for a good cause—and to become a more effective leader.
5 questions to ask to build trust and respect
How deep rooted is my need for being in control?
Consider:
- Do I see those who aren’t thinking or doing things “my way” as a challenge to my authority?
- Am I open to considering that my way may not be the only way?
- Can I permit those around me to do things their way as long as they produce the results I’m responsible for delivering?
- Can I accept that what’s right for others may be different than what’s right for me?
- Can I accept that different doesn’t mean wrong?
- Am I willing to trust others?
Do I have an agenda?
Ponder:
- What are my motives for wanting to be right and for converting people to my point of view?
- Am I in it for “me” or for “we?” (Sometimes the motivation to “fix” others stems from a sincere desire to help them be their best. Other times the motive is less pure.)
- Do I have an ego-centric need to be the hero who saves the day or the person with all the right answers?
- Can I accept that helping people grow their skills and abilities is an ongoing process aimed at what’s best for them, not a one-time event that makes me look good?
Am I hiding something?
Reflect:
- Is my interest in fixing others an attempt to hide my own feelings of incompetence or insecurity?
- Are my motives for wanting to change others a way to deflect my inner concerns about my own qualifications?
- Is my confidence real or just for show?
Am I being curious or judgmental?
Contemplate:
- Do I let my opinion masquerade as fact? (Opinions are personal points of view, judgments, and conclusions, i.e., February is the best month. Steve is a bad boss. Older women should have short hair. Facts are concrete realities that are verifiable by observation, i.e., the earth makes one rotation every 24 hours; consistent with the rules of a symbol system, i.e., 2+2=4; or apply objective standards of value, i.e., stealing is against the law.)
- Do I engage in critical thinking by seeking out a spectrum of ideas, or do I always go with my gut?
- Would others day I practice “tend and befriend” or “fight or flight?”
Am I ready to give positional unconditional regard?
Mull over:
- Can I accept that having positive unconditional regard for someone doesn’t require that I accept their differing point of view, only that I acknowledge—without judgment—their right to believe, think, and act differently than I do?
- How can I become capable of making room for everyone by extending positive unconditional regard no matter how they think or act?
Leaders…lead us to truth, worth, nobility, wonder, imagination, joy, heartbreak, challenge, rebellion, and meaning. ~Umair Haque, author
Ready to let go of absolute certainty and begin sampling other points of view?
Image credit (before quote added): Pixabay
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
Do you think about only big things and ignore the little ones, thinking they’re of no importance? If so, this story that Stephen Covey shares in First Things First may be of interest:
A time management expert was speaking to a group of business students who were high-powered over-achievers. “Time for a quiz,” he said.
He pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed Mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then, he produced a dozen or so fist-sized rocks and carefully place them—one at a time—into the jar.
When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, “Is this jar full?”
Everyone in the class said “yes.”
“Really?” He asked as he reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. He dumped some gravel into the jar and shook it so the pieces worked their way into the spaces between the big rocks.
Once again he asked if the jar was full. Now the class was on to him. “Probably not,” replied a student. “Good!” He replied.
He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand, which he dumped into the jar. The sand filled the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked, “Is the jar full?”
“No!” The class shouted.
“Good,” he said as he grabbed a pitcher of water and poured the water until the jar until it was filled to the brim.
He looked at the class and asked, “What is the point of this illustration?”
One student raised his hand and said, “The point is that no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!”
“No,” he replied. “That’s not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: if you don’t put the big rocks in first, you’ll never get them in at all.“
Too often, we let what’s urgent become the “big rocks” and crowd out what’s truly important—our real “big rocks.”
You and your big rocks
Look back over the last week. Think about how many of these “big rocks” were in your schedule.
Connection. Did you support a colleague in need? Comment on a blog? Talk to the stranger? Tell someone they did a good job? Have coffee with someone you wanted to get to know?
Self-appreciation. Did you inventory all the good things you are and do? Or just what you aren’t or don’t have? Did you rejoice in your strengths? Cut yourself some slack for your weaknesses?
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself. ~Harvey Fierstein, playwright
Self-care. Did you exercise? Take a walk? Take in the beautiful flowers? Balance out eating the mini-bag of Cheetos with a salad and an apple? Get enough sleep? Use moisturizer and sunblock every day? Did you pay attention to your feelings? Did you show strength by reaching out for support when you needed a boost?
Fun. Did you read, watch, or listen to something funny? Play? Dance? Sing along to the radio as you drove? Did you get silly with a friend and giggle until you had to pee? Give yourself permission to take a break or may be even do nothing? Enjoy a rollicking belly laugh?
Growth. Did you learn something new? Hold yourself accountable for doing something you said you were going to do? Invest in feeding your soul and that of others? Consider (without beating yourself up) how you could do something better next time?
Give thanks. Did you express appreciation? Feel gratitude? Say thank you? Did you let yourself be satisfied with excellence (which is doable) instead of perfection (which isn’t)?
Channel fear. Did you let your fears control what you did or didn’t do? Did you use your fear as a catalyst for doing what needed to be done? Did you express curiosity rather than judgment?
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. ~Nelson Mandela, activist
Reflect. Did you carve out a few minutes to ponder? Stare out the window? To be and not do?
What will you do tomorrow?
What are your big rocks? How will you fit them in going forward?
Image credit before quote added: Pixabay
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
What happened to reciprocity?
Is it and being kind passé?
Is returning favors not in style?
Is swopping favors a practice that’s so tainted by unethical or manipulative behavior that people no longer feel the need to exchange things for mutual benefit?
These questions pin-balled around in my head as I thought about two scenarios I’d experienced.
1) I facilitated a community table discussion amongst eight individuals from a variety of walks of life. When the session was over, several people began exchanging business cards. A polite but matter-of-fact woman said this to everyone who offered her one of their cards, “Thanks. I don’t want your card but I do want you to have mine. Here you go.” Her refusal to participate in what I viewed as a social nicety shocked me.
2) Six of us volunteered to write a workbook for a nonprofit workshop. Five of the six agreed to edit and proof each other’s content. The sixth wanted others to critique his materials but wouldn’t agree to review the materials of the others. The group insisted on full-circle participation, so he dropped out of the work. His unwillingness to engage in reciprocal work felt alien and unfriendly.
As I’m prone to do when things puzzle me, I dove into research.
Numerous writers have observed that the norm of social reciprocity—exchanging kindness, goods, and services for mutual benefit—has long been part of the cultural fabric.
In People of the Lake: Mankind and its Beginning, Richard Leakey and Kurt Lewin note that the “I help you, you help me” orientation, or what they call “an honored network of obligation,” has been practiced for centuries.
True community is based on upon equality, mutuality, and reciprocity. It affirms the richness of individual diversity as well as the common human ties that bind us together. ~Pauli Murray, activist
3 forms of reciprocity
Reciprocity touches many aspects of our lives and typically takes one of three forms
◊ Generalized reciprocity is an exchange in which a person gives a good or service to another, does not receive anything back at that time, but has the expectation of future repayment. Think of a mentor/mentee relationship or watching the neighbor’s house while they’re on vacation as they’ll do the same for you when you go away.
◊ Balanced reciprocity as defined by Wikipedia “refers to direct exchange of customary equivalents without any delay.” Think bartering, exchanging notes from a business conference with a colleague, a neighborhood boarding up each other’s windows in advance of a storm, or meting out justice in which the punishment fits the crime
◊ Negative reciprocity is the most impersonal form of exchange, in which the parties’ goal is to get as much as they can with little to nothing offered in return. Think someone trying to take advantage.
Back in 1960, Professor Alvin Gouldner suggested “that a norm of reciprocity, in its universal form, makes two interrelated, minimal demands: (1) people should help those who have helped them, and (2) people should not injure those who have helped them.”
The “what’s in it for me” angle
But my two experiences and other research points to people who take a very different view on the value and practices of reciprocity:
◊ “There is considerable evidence that a substantial fraction of people behave according to this dictum: “People repay gifts and take revenge even in interactions with complete strangers and even if it is costly for them and yields neither present nor future material rewards.”
◊ “In a world of winners and losers, there is little room for principles of equity, reciprocity, and impartiality,” writes Professor Walter Fluker in Ethical Leadership.
◊ “Employers preemptively tell new employees not to expect a relationship premised on the fulfillment of mutual commitments.”
Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Women and reciprocity
Research shows that women’s voices are heard less in business meetings. My own experience parallels the research:
When Perdue and Perschel tell the following story at women’s conferences and workshops, heads nod in recognition: Have you ever been the sole woman in a meeting and spoken up only to be ignored or negated? Then, within minutes, one of the men at the table says almost the same things as you did and is lauded for his fabulous idea? ~Women and The Paradox of Power, Jane Perdue and Dr. Anne Perschel
Being reciprocal with my female colleagues by sharing one another’s ideas or backing one another up in a meeting certainly benefitted all of us.
Swings in practice
Differences exist in how reciprocity is both viewed and practiced, differences that range from “an honored network of obligation” to social glue to manipulation to something that’s optional.
What are your thoughts about how reciprocity is best practiced?
Image credit before quote added: Pixabay
