by Jane Perdue | Kindness
To enjoy “being” good in all your “doing” well over the next year, the team at BIG hopes your holiday stocking bulges at the seams with these 7 C gifts!
Character…You walk the talk for being good and doing well. Your ethics and integrity are above reproach because you’re authentic, honest, transparent and have a moral center. You radiate positive energy and determination. You’re self-disciplined. You treat those with and those without power the same. You invite the elephant in the room to dance. (more…)
by Jane Perdue | Inspiration, Kindness
It’s that time of year—the holiday season—when introspection seems particularly appropriate.
Why am I here?
Am I making a difference? Am I loving enough?
What kind of difference do I want to make? Do people know I care?
What will be my legacy? Will people smile or frown when they think of me when I’m gone?
Do people care about me personally or what I can do for them? (more…)
by Jane Perdue | Kindness, Stereotypes, Women
Dr. Herbert O’Driscoll shares this compelling story about the power of love and vulnerability.
When I was a child, my grandmother died and was buried in the churchyard in Castlecomer, Ireland. The following year I went there on holiday.
One day we drove to visit relatives, I in the back seat with my grandfather. As we pass the graveled driveway leading up to the churchyard, my grandfather, thinking he was unobserved, pressed his face against the window of the car and with a small, hidden motion of his hand, waved.
It was then I came to my first understanding of the majesty and vulnerability of love.
Powerful, isn’t it?
What leapt out at me in O’Driscoll’s story was how the grandfather acted only when he thought no one was looking. I do that. Most people I know do it, too. I think I do it because I don’t want the world to know that I’m a big ole marshmallow inside.
The business world is harsh to those who care. Be the tough guy, was the advice an early male mentor gave me. Never let them see you sweat or think that you care. As the only woman sitting at the negotiating table across from Teamsters and Meat Cutters, that seemed like good advice. Looking back from the perspective of time, I don’t think that it was.
In a high-IQ job pool, soft skills like discipline, drive, and empathy mark those who emerge as outstanding. -Daniel Goleman
Let’s put sex and gender issues aside for now, OK?, and concentrate for now on empathy.
Research tells us (as do our hearts, especially when we have a boss who’s overly detached and makes us feel like the filing cabinet in the corner) that employees want to feel valued. When employees feel valued, they’re more productive.
Productive employees = good news for the employer and the bottom line. It’s a win-win all around.
Letting our employees and colleague know we care isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a neon light of strength.
Only those who are willing to let themselves to vulnerable are destined for greatness..
What about you—who on your team will you be strong enough to let know that you care?
Image credit before quote added: Pixabay
by Jane Perdue | Kindness, Leadership
Employees complain in engagement surveys that their bosses don’t treat them with respect or as unique individuals. Yet on the flip side, research shows that bosses who treat people with kindness, respect and dignity are “seen as less powerful than other managers.” This is a dreadful paradox: We want to be treated with kindness yet don’t respect those who do.
What’s up with that?
In the workplace, kindness—being friendly, generous and considerate—is often dismissed as a weakness because of the negative stereotypes that cling to it: pushover, sucker, patsy or nice guy (or gal) who finishes last.
Kindness isn’t typically rewarded at review time, given that most business performance is evaluated on what’s done rather than how it’s done.
Soft skills such as kindness lose their sizzle (if they ever had any) when compared with off-the-charts sales and other impressive bottom-line impacts delivered by the tough guys whose bad behavior often gets overlooked.
Because we see the it’s-all-about-me behaviors rewarded more generously than the we’re-all-in-this-together ones, “Managers see respect and power as two mutually exclusive avenues to influence, and many choose the latter,” says Batia Wiesenfeld, et al, in “Why Fair Bosses Fall Behind.”
Nice is about me; kind is about you: So how does a character-based leader who wants to treat employees with dignity escape the paradox of the kindness hamster wheel?
5 ways to end the paradox of kindness
1) Choose kindness over rudeness despite the personal cost.
If you want to treat people kindly, then do so, fully aware that your choice can be costly. Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology indicates that men who are agreeable earn less money per year (upward of $10,000) than those who opt to be disagreeable.
2) Commit to the Goldilocks principle of getting kindness just right.
“Kindness, like many other traits, has an optimal level that makes it a virtue as opposed to a vice,” writes William Baker and Michael O’Malley in “Leading with Kindness.” Combining empathy with accountability is a skill set that no kind leader should be without.
3) Embrace a both/and approach to leadership.
Truly kind and effective leaders understand they can both provide candid feedback and disagree with people, and leave others’ self-respect intact. Don’t confuse kindness with being likeable. Offering an alternative point of view doesn’t make you unkind.
4) Learn what power really is.
From all the media accounts of power run amok, it’s gotten a bum rap of being all ego-centric and self-serving. Hooey. One can do well, show kindness, and be as powerful as all get-out. Dare to be kind. Buck those kindness-as-weakness stereotypes and encourage those around you to do the same.
5) Break the cycle.
Accept kindness from others without typecasting them as powerless. Flip the stereotype on its head by recognizing that those who treat you kindly are being truly powerful. They’ve courageously chosen to not follow the me-centered path.
The next time someone shows you respect, cares what you think or deals with you fairly—in short, treats you with kindness—don’t sell them or yourself short by presuming they’re without influence or smarts or power.
What are some negative ways you’ve seen kind leaders treated?
I’m delighted to be guest posting at SmartBlog on Leadership so you’ll see this post there, too! Image credit before quote: morgueFile
by Jane Perdue | Kindness, Women
Wow, what a moment.
It stopped me dead in my tracks…in a very good kind of way.
We were two-thirds of the way through a workshop on stepping into one’s power with confidence and grace when a woman took the floor to share her epiphany.
She said she wanted to share a personal weakness that had haunted her for years, something she said she was peripherally aware of yet firmly believed had no impact on her life or career. She said she just realized how wrong she’d been.
She told the hushed room how—just a few moments ago—she suddenly understood how this weakness had indeed played a major role in how she held herself back.
She radiated joy. Understanding. Self-awareness. The strength, power, and possibility of vulnerability.
Wow.
Are you strong enough, courageous enough, to be vulnerable?
We chase perfection. We wear ourselves out keeping up appearances. Faking it until we make it.
Are you ready to jump off the hamster wheel and admit your soft spots? If so, here’s five things to think about doing.
1. Acknowledge that sometimes the best answer is “I don’t know.”
The world is awash with data, statistics, references, resources, etc.. Keeping up is impossible. It’s a sign of strength to say you don’t have the answer but will get one.
2. Admit to something you’re not good at.
A gal pal recently teased her colleague Karen about the “plain vanilla” formatted Excel spreadsheet she had shared with the group. Karen ‘fessed up that going beyond the basics in Excel was way beyond her skills, and my pal generously offered her help. Karen could have covered up her lack of knowledge with a flimsy excuse that she didn’t take the time to make the document look nice, but how untrue and hollow that would have been. Now these two women have the opportunity to learn and share together.
3. Confess to what you don’t like.
If long emails, endless meetings or coffee gatherings aren’t your thing, say so and offer an alternative. Don’t suffer in silent resentment, tactfully speak up.
4. Share you scares you.
Driving across bridges scares the beejeebers out of me. It would take a crowbar to pry my fingers off the steering wheel. At first I was hesitant to tell my passengers of my fears, afraid they would think me weak and silly. Now I warn those in the car with me that they’ll see me clutch the steering wheel, stare straight ahead and not breathe until we’re safely across. No one thinks less of me, although I do get teased about why I keep moving to cities with lots of bridges.
5. Shine a light on what is dark or goes bump in the night for you.
A boss described me as Aunt Polly, and his words troubled me for years. I immediately got the chauvinistic overtones but there was something more to it that I couldn’t put my finger on. It wasn’t until I shared how his words were velcroed into my mind that the answers came. I had to be weak before I could be strong.
Are you ready to get your vulnerability on?
Image credit before quote: morgueFile
by Jane Perdue | Inspiration, Kindness
Sometimes there are those days, may be even months and years, when you hold yourself back.
You’re thinking small…afraid to take the leap.
You feel unsure, not certain of what you have to offer and are fearful that it doesn’t bring value.
You question your word, wondering if it’s worth sharing and if anyone would listen. (more…)
