by Jane Perdue | Power
“I so want to tell him ‘no’ but I don’t want to let him down.”
From the pained look on her face, I surmised that she was talking about disappointing someone important in her life or career.
That guess was wrong–Casey felt she couldn’t say no to someone she had met less than a week ago.
As she described it, she had been sharing success stories at a cocktail party about her magazine articles and having two pieces picked up by national magazines.
Hal, the gentleman in question here, leaned in to say, “there’s an interesting story about how my business got started that I’d like to see get some national press. Interested in writing about it?”
Casey and Hal met for coffee the next day. Hal provided a high level overview of his story and offered to pay her $500.00 to write the article. Casey told him she would have to decline because the subject was outside her range of expertise. Hal then offered her $1000.00. Casey agreed because she thought Hal was a nice guy, figuring she could find a way to pull it off.
Thinking you’re unlikeable is their problem
Three days later when we met for coffee, Casey was wrestling with an uncomfortable situation: her inability to figure out an appropriate story line and her fear of Hal not liking her turning his request down.
Some topics we discussed:
1. It’s good, mandatory even, to set personal boundaries. Know where you draw your personal line and be prepared to stick up for them. That’s what boundaries are for.
2. Telling people ‘no’ doesn’t make you unlikable. Failing to say ‘no’ when it’s appropriate to do so makes you a doormat.
3. Don’t be seduced by money. Some things just aren’t worth it.
4. Stick up for yourself. If you really aren’t interested in doing something, tactfully say so. If someone thinks you’re unlikable because you stuck up for yourself, that’s their problem.
5. Stow the woulda/coulda/shoulda gremlins. A mental replay or two is a helpful learning exercise. Countless rehashing sessions are a counter-productive waste of time.
Casey phoned Hal, thanked him for his generous offer of work that she would have to decline and offered him the name of a freelancer friend who might be perfect for the assignment. Casey left the coffee shop grinning from ear to ear.
Do you have a “Casey” story in your past?
Image source before quote: morgueFile.com
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
Why is so easy to focus on what we lack or don’t have or can’t do, yet manage to overlook all the positive elements we have and can offer to others??!
We see possibilities in others, but do we ever dream of the possibilities within ourselves? ~Unknown
Diane spent several minutes beating herself up for not knowing how to set up a pivot table in Excel. She repeatedly compared herself to a colleague who could “whip up a pivot table in his sleep.”
“Does your job require that you prepare Excel pivot tables? ” I asked.
“Not really.”
“Is preparing pivot tables part of your colleague’s job duties?”
“Absolutely. He’s our compensation director and does lots of analysis.”
“Does your colleague have your ability to craft compelling marketing messages?”
“No way,” she chuckled. “He can hardly write an understandable email message!”
What Diane wasn’t seeing was her own fabulocity factor: the unique abilities she brought to the table.
I frequently miss seeing my fabulocity, others tell me they do the same thing. Too many of us go through life being too hard on ourselves, thinking or feeling that we’ve fallen short. That we aren’t perfect or enough of something.
While it’s often true that there are things we could do better, it’s equally true that each one of us brings our own special gifts and talents that we should honor and appreciate more.
Positive self-esteem is the immune system of the spirit, helping an individual face life problems and bounce back from adversity. ~Nathaniel Branden
Too often we don’t inventory our special gifts and talents because we consider ourselves just ordinary. So rather than begin the new year with a resolution—something that you want to start or stop doing—begin your year with a quick inventory of the special talents and gifts that you already have and will continue doing.
Remind yourself of your fabulocity. Make a list of your unique abilities. When you’re feeling inadequate, reread it. Feel good about what’s on that list.
Be mindful of what you have and can do.
Mindfulness means noticing new things and drawing new conclusions. It doesn’t matter whether what you notice is smart or silly because the process of actively drawing new distinctions produces that feeling of engagement we all seek. It’s much more available than you realize: all you need to do is actually notice new things. More than 30 years of research has shown that mindfulness is figuratively and literally enlivening. ~Ellen Langer, professor of psychology and author
Being mindful of your fabulocity* isn’t bragging–it’s acknowledging and recognizing that you are enough. You are special.
What say you?
*Kudos to my dear friend, Taide Alvarez, who’s full of fabulocity, who invented this fabulous word and for letting me use it!
Image source before quote: morgueFile.com
by Jane Perdue | Paradox
Consider these words from Gary Hamel, ranked as one of the world’s most influential business thinkers by the Wall Street Journal.
“Organizational success in the years ahead will hinge on the ability of employees at all levels to manage seemingly irreconcilable trade-offs – between short-term earnings and long-term growth, competition and collaboration, structure and emergence, discipline and freedom, and individual and team success.”
What do short-term earnings and long-term growth, competition and collaboration, structure and emergence, discipline and freedom, and individual and team success all have in common? They’re polarities.
What’s a polarity? A condition, act, or person that contains seemingly contradictory qualities that are both right and equally necessary for success over the long-term.
Effectively managing a polarity requires top-notch leadership abilities in being able to differentiate between either/or problems to be solved and both/and trade-offs to be perpetually managed. If you’re seeking success over the long-term, polarities must be managed with a both/and approach.
In Built to Last, James Collins and Jerry Porras phrase it beautifully when they counsel to leaders to “avoid the tyranny of the OR and embrace the genius of the AND.”
The opposite of an ordinary fact is a lie. But the opposite of one profound truth is complemented and given life by another profound truth. ~Nils Bohr, Nobel Award winning physicist
How effective leaders manage paradox and polarity
Besting those “irreconcilable trade-offs” as Hamel so aptly describes them requires leaders to have mastery of several personal both/and behaviors.
Let’s take a look at several of them.
Effective leaders have both confidence and humility.
They have sufficient self-confidence to recognize and appreciate their own self-worth, yet manage to balance their faith in themselves with valuing and acknowledging the contributions of others.
Effective leaders practice both passion and caution.
They’re filled with purpose as well as the thoughtfulness and awareness to know that others hold a different purpose. They appreciate that differences aren’t bad or wrong, just different.
Effective leaders know how to both connect and challenge.
They with their strengths; understand their weaknesses, and use that wisdom to challenge themselves to fulfill their biggest and best potential. They do the same for those around them.
Effective leaders know there’s both a time to pull and push.
Sometimes those who are being led need to see the light; other times they need to be the candle. Effective leaders help and guide them either way.
Effective leaders are good at both inquiry and advocacy.
They strive first to understand, and only then use their voice to promote, celebrate, and teach others so they can develop their fullest potential.
Effective leaders both dream and do.
They dream their castles in the air, then build them.
Effective leaders both rejoice and reflect.
They look inward to understand the why, the why not, and the how to be better. They celebrate often and share the joy, the pain, the silliness, and wonderfulness of it all.
Sending smiles and inspiration to all in learning to master these polarities and in being the best leader you can be!
Image source: Dreamstime
by Jane Perdue | Stereotypes
Little did I realize that one of my first decisions as a newly-promoted manager would be to decide if I was going to fit the stereotypes of the nice girl who sweetly poured coffee for the fellas or the b—- who refused to do so.
Twenty-plus years ago, it was my second day on the job as the new HR manager for a meat processing company with five facilities in three states. I was the first woman ever on the management team.
It was the weekly staff meeting, my first in my new capacity. (I had attended several meetings in the past when the male HR manager had been on vacation.)
Without looking up, one of male peers asked, “Hey Jane, I need a refill on this cup of coffee. Pour me a cup, would ya?”
Pete (not his real name!), who was sitting next to the coffee carafe, chimed in with his request to pour one for him, too.
Sheesh.
Not exactly the call to participation or welcome I was hoping for. What to do, what to do, the words good girl and b—-h were dancing in my head. Neither label was one I wanted as I started my new duties. Because the meat-packing industry at the time was heavily male, I knew this sort of show-down was inevitable. I just hadn’t figured it would happen so soon.
As my mind raced, I stood up and moved to the back of the room to retrieve the coffee pot. My plan was set.
Stepping in beside Pete, I sloshed coffee into his cup — and on his notepad. Not saying a word, I moved over to Bill’s (again not his real name) side of the table, filling both his cup and the saucer with coffee.
“Jeez girl! You’ve got to be more careful next time,” exclaimed Pete as he wiped off his notepad.
“Fellas, there won’t be next time,” I said with a smile, taking my seat. “We’re very thoughtful about our past practices given the labor climate, so I see no reason to change our past practice of each person attending to their own coffee needs, especially since I make no claims about the accuracy of my pours! Agreed?”
They agreed, and I escaped without getting labeled.
Women of the work force: have you ever faced a similar stereotype situation? What was it, and what did you do?
I’d love to hear your stories!
Note: for more information about stereotypes you can read 21 Things to Know About Stereotypes
Image source: morgueFile.com
by Jane Perdue | Creativity
Thanks to the fiendishly clever machinations of a major PC firm, I spent all of October and most of November trapped in the revolving door of using borrowed computers.
Mine had been shipped far away for repairs, perpetually promised as just being two or three more days away from completion.
Those two months were trying times, no doubt!
Emails piled up (still digging out!). Deadlines were renegotiated. The vast majority of people affirmed my positive belief that help and flexibility are there when problems arise.
A teeny tiny few were out and out stinkers.
However, the small handful that most amazed me were those who leapt right to the top of the ladder of influence.
Chris Argyris, business theorist and Harvard University professor, developed the model. Peter Senge popularized it in his book, The Fifth Discipline. The ladder of inference is a model for how we think. It begins with data we observe and ends with actions we take based on how we interpreted the initial data.
The ladder of inference
The base of the ladder of inference is the actual data or experience — just the facts. The first rung up is the data on which we choose to focus. (This is the phenomenon that results when the four people who saw an accident offer four different stories of what happened.) Step number three is when we affix meaning to what we’ve experienced or observed. The next step is creating assumptions. We then draw conclusions, followed by developing new beliefs or affirming old ones. Last comes our actions — what we do based on our new beliefs.
Ladder of inference at work
Two days have passed and Susie hasn’t returned your phone call. You figure that she’s ignoring you and assume that she isn’t interested in what you have to say. You conclude that there’s no point in doing business with her, believing that people who want to work with you will be prompt. You act by crossing Susie off your free-lancer list.
Trapped by what’s blindingly obvious — yet incorrect
The ladder of inference is quite easy climb! We take data, and apply our personal filters (beliefs, values, past experiences, etc.) to make sense of what’s happening. What we have to remember is that this is a one-person climb. While the conclusion we jumped to seems blindingly obvious to us, there was just one set of data points — our own.
To assure that you’re reaching the right conclusions:
- Test the observable data. Could there be something wrong with my phone or Susie’s? Did I call the right number? Could Susie be out of the office and have forgotten to change her voicemail message?
- Ask for more data. A follow-up phone call or email to Susie: I see you haven’t returned my call and wanted to check in to see if everything is OK. Ask others if they know where Susie might be.
- Test your assumptions. Why would Susie not want to do business with me after that great introductory meeting we had? Could I be over-reacting?
What experiences have you had with the ladder of inference?
Image source before quote: morgueFile.com
