by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
You know how busy you get ascending the ladder of success—the constant swirl of activity focused on the business, your team, your department, results and outcomes.
Time for yourself? Ah, we’ll try to work that in later.
And that later never happens.
In the mid-1990’s I landed my first VP role, overseeing 2800 employees in two states. For the first several months after the promotion, it was a mad dash of 80 hour work weeks and frenetic scrambling to make everything happen. Then two firsts occurred in my life: my very first 360 assessment followed by a sick leave.
The 360 feedback from my direct report team was cosmic two-by-four whack number one:
You are an amazing leader but you make us exhausted and frustrated in trying to keep up with you. Teach us what you know, show us the way and then let us make it happen.
What an epiphany – I had been so busy doing, trying to make my post-promotion mark, that I had forgotten “to be” and to lead, not perpetually do.
The second cosmic two-by-four whack quickly followed.
That neck pain I’d been ignoring for months became jack-hammer unbearable and produced a new problem – the inability to grasp anything in my hands. Using a keyboard wasn’t possible nor was feeding myself (not an unreasonable antidote, I figured, for failing to maintain a regular exercise program…who had time for that?!). The neurosurgeon declared my herniated disk the largest he had ever seen (always the over-achiever!).
Surgery—and recovery time—was the only solution.
Learning to care by being humbled
The gift of feedback from my team coupled with the sick leave were humbling yet liberating personal and professional events.
I learned the value of setting the tone and direction for my team but then stepping aside so they had ownership, responsibility and accountability – as well as the glow of success and the insights from failure.
I learned the value of self-care. A Harvard Business Review article on the “corporate athlete” totally resonated with me and influenced my thinking about relaxing. The gist of the article was to train for work like an athlete trains for their sport, focusing on one’s mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. To that end, I worked with both a nutritionist and a personal trainer to develop eating and exercise programs that worked for me.
I adopted hobbies, reading, volunteering and other activities that enriched my mind and my soul.
At work, I created an engaging office environment with beautiful black-and-white photography on the walls, a desktop Zen sand garden, a small gurgling fountain and a small pile of toys close at hand. I learned to not ignore the early warning signs of stress. I took quick walks around the office, using that time to refocus and connect with others.
It took not one, but two, cosmic two-by-fours to capture my attention and get me focused on taking care of myself so I can more effectively nurture others.
This quote from Ann Richards, former governor of Texas, keeps me on track:
“If you think taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don’t, you’re simply ducking your responsibilities.”
Schedule time for you…starting today!
OK?
This post first appeared on Random Acts of Leadership. | Image source before quote: morgueFile.com
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
In the universal book of fair play, one of the basic rules is to praise in public and give criticism in private. Making people look—and feel—stupid (regardless how egregious their offense may be) in front of others serves no one well.
So imagine my shock and surprise to have a project partner level some hard-hitting criticism at me during a conference call with the project sponsor. We had co-authored an article, passing it back and forth countless times to edit and refine the content. Finally satisfied with our writing, we had scheduled the concall.
After pleasantries were exchanged, my writing partner declared that I had incorrectly entered a reference note, used the wrong dash mark, and made a grammatical error in the second paragraph. These “errors” had appeared in several iterations of the document being passed back and forth between us.
For me, it was one of those moments in which the world slows down (like when you know you’re going to rear-end the vehicle in front of you) and images, thoughts and feelings collide in your heart and mind. Unfortunately, my anger–in its incredible hulk-like intensity–prevailed as these words tumbled out of my mouth in a most sarcastic tone, “Well, blah-blah name, thanks so much for correcting me…NOW!”
One of those epic awkward silent moments ensued. I can only imagine what the third-party on the call must have been thinking.
I’ve mentally replayed that moment several times. And my reaction is always the same: chagrin and regret that I didn’t take the high road and simply, and kindly, say “thank you.” I let my feelings of having been betrayed and unfairly one-upped win. A real personal leadership no-no.
Sadly the world is full of people ready to steam roll us to increase their standing, so changing that is beyond our control. But, what we do control is our reaction when we’re unexpectedly criticized in front of others.
3 lessons I learned the hard way
1) Be gracious in the moment.
Responding as I did only resulted in two people—rather than one—rolling around in the proverbial mud. My grandma always reminded us that you get more flies with honey than vinegar. I ignored her timeless advice. The vinegar pourers may get some momentary acclaim and/or notoriety, but the trade-off over the long-term isn’t worth take. Take honey and travel the high road. The spotlight may not shine as brightly there but you know you’ve done the right thing.
2) Don’t ignore the criticism, handle it in an appropriate way at the appropriate time.
Follow-up after the call, meeting or encounter to ask your criticizer for more details and feedback on how to do better in the future. Bring your honey, of course!
3) Make the bold ask.
Ask that future criticism (constructive or otherwise) be delivered privately. Your request may be ignored, but what’s important is that you stuck up for yourself.
Bringing civility back starts with me…and you…both of us committing to taking the high road.
Image source before quote: morgueFile.com
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
“I so want to tell him ‘no’ but I don’t want to let him down.”
From the pained look on her face, I guessed Casey didn’t want to disappoint someone who was important in her life or career. That guess was wrong.
When I asked about the relationship, Casey said she had only met the gentleman a few days ago.
As she described it, she had been sharing success stories at a cocktail party about her magazine articles and having had two pieces picked up by national magazines.
Hal approached Casey saying he had an interesting story about how his business got started that he’d like to see get some national press and asked if she might be interested in writing about it.
Casey agreed to meet and learn more.
They met for coffee the next day. Hal provided a high level overview of his story. He said he would pay her $500.00 for writing the article. The money was good, but Casey declined because the subject (tax law) was outside her expertise and comfort zone.
Hal was insistent, upping the pay to $1000.00. Casey gave in and agreed to write the article.
Three days later when we met for coffee, Casey was wrestling with an uncomfortable situation: her inability to figure out an appropriate story line for an article she really didn’t want to write and her fear of Hal not liking her for turning down his request.
5 ways to give yourself permission to say no
1. It’s good, mandatory even, to set personal boundaries. Know where you draw your personal lines and be prepared to stick up for them. That’s what boundaries are for.
2. Telling people “no” doesn’t make you unlikable. Failing to say “no” when it’s appropriate to do so makes you a doormat. And the really ugly kicker here is that saying “yes” doesn’t necessarily make you likeable.
3. Don’t be seduced by money. Some things just aren’t worth it. Liking yourself is much more important.
4. Stick up for yourself. If you really aren’t interested in doing something, tactfully say so. If you don’t protect yourself, who will?
5. Don’t feel guilty for not wanting to do something. It’s your choice, your decision, and you accept the consequences either way so feel good about standing up for yourself.
So how did Casey’s story end?
Casey phoned Hal, thanked him for his generous offer of work and declined. She gave him the name of a freelancer friend who might be perfect for the assignment.
She left the coffee shop grinning from ear to ear.
Image source before quote: morgueFile.com
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
Mother Teresa wrote that “kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” I like those little things that have a big impact.
One of my favorites is someone uttering the kind words of “thank you.”
Thank you…two short, easy-to-speak yet incredibly powerful words:
…if you say and mean them from the heart, and
…provided 100% of your focus/meaning is directed to the person you are thanking.
Offering sincere and heart-felt thanks to a colleague, friend, family member, or the stranger who retrieved your runaway hat is a positive connection moment that leaves both of you feeling uplifted. You for giving, the other for feeling valued.
It’s also an irretrievably lost connection moment if you make the thanks about you instead of what they did. You know, the back-handed tribute that sounds like praise for them but is really a self-accolade in clever disguise. It goes kinda like this: How sweet of you to help me. You must know how incredibly busy I am with the important new project the Board of Directors asked me to take on.
Have you told someone thank you today…and really meant it?
Have you told someone thank you today…and really complimented yourself?
Which kind of thanks would you like to receive today?
Quotes to inspire you to say thank you
By the way, I’m wearing the smile that you gave me. ~Unknown
In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich. ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you’ll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you’ll find that you have more of it. ~Ralph Marston
One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind. ~Malayan Proverb
It is necessary, then, to cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude. ~Wallace D. Wattles
Image source: morgueFile.com
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
A fried egg doesn’t seem a likely cause of consternation—yet it was.
Perched atop a grilled hamburger, the egg drew stares not only from Katherine who had ordered the dish but from several of her dining companions as well.
“Well, I never expected this,” she exclaimed. “Who would eat an egg on a burger? This just doesn’t look right.”
Having lived in Denver where we experienced eggs on top of lots of unexpected foods, I suggested that she surprise her taste buds and take a small bite. (more…)
by Jane Perdue | Be your best you
Ethel held a senior director job title, received glowing reviews, and her educational credentials and reputation were impeccable.
Yet she felt like a failure.
She lived in constant fear that her lack of ability would be discovered. That she would be exposed as the incompetent fraud she believed herself to be.
Ethel was surprised there was a name for what she felt – the impostor syndrome.
What imposter syndrome is (more…)
